“My wife told me the car wasn't running well. There was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, and she told me it was in the lake.”

“My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it. ”

“Well, my mom told me she saw me coming out of an aircraft and…”

“When my wife told me that she was anal, I thought, "Great." Turns out, there are two different kinds of "anal"… And she's the wrong one.”

“Death is like my car. It takes me where I want to go.”

“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”

“An old friend once told me, you don't go fill up your car with gas at night and then park it in the garage.”

“Told you. Everything sounds better in the car wash.”

“Erlking,” I told her. “Big-time bad guy. Wants to eat me.”

“Why?” she asked.

“Well. I met him,” I said.”

“It's harder that in looks," I told him when I finally got back in the car.
"Most things are”