“A golden shower and Kite Runner reference in the same joke? Almost impossible! Almost impossible! I pull it off, because I care.”

“It is almost a joke, but a joke that nobody tells.”

“I don't care how impossible it seems.”

“I’m not into golden showers.”

“Every attempt to refer chemical questions to mathematical doctrines must be considered, now and always, profoundly irrational, as being contrary to the nature of the phenomena.... but if the employment of mathematical analysis should ever become so preponderant in chemistry (an aberration which is happily almost impossible) it would occasion vast and rapid retrogradation….”

“Fame is almost a poison. I couldn’t care less, in fact I lived better when I was a nobody.”

“He’s doing this because he cares for me? Well if almost killing me is his way of expressing care, then I absolutely fear the instance when he ever decides to express love.”

“I am a runner. That's what I do. That's who I am. Running is all I know, or want, or care about.”

“My life has been one great big joke,
A dance that's walked,
A song that's spoke,
I laugh so hard I almost choke,
When I think about myself.”

“A guy told me he liked cherries… But… I waited to see if he was gonna say tomato… Before I realized he likes cherries just… All right, that joke is ridiculous. That's like a carbon copy of the previous joke but with different ingredients. I don't know what I was trying to pull off there.”