“When you jerk off, you’re saying “Hey, I care about me.””

“Hey, Hot Stuff, Can’t wait till you get over that guy you were with. He sounds like a real jerk. Hope it’s soon. You’re way too tasty to be alone for too long. Come find me. I’m out here waiting. Your Future”

“Hey, you freakin' bastard," I breathed. "You hit me again and I'll take care of your family planning.”

“I gave her a smile that I hoped conveyed something like: Hey, you know I’m on your side. Gods are such jerks! But what can you do?

Probably my expression actually conveyed: It’s not my fault! Please do not kill me!”

“If you’ve ever been to the monkey house in one of those awful downscale zoos, you know what monkeys — these particular monkeys — are like: They jerk off and fling poo all day, generally using the same hand for both, and they don’t do a hell of a lot else, unless there’s McDonald’s. All day: jerk off, fling poo, jerk off, fling poo, jerk, fling, jerk, fling.Twitter, basically.”

“I don't care what people say about me and what they think about me. I care about my team and I care about myself. Lots of people watch hockey, and I think everybody has different thinking.”

“I don't care what they think of me,
And I don't care what they say.
I don't care what they think if you're leavin'.
I'm gonna beg you to stay.
I don't care if they start to avoid me.
I don't care what they do.
I don't care about anything else
But bein' with you,
Bein' with you.”

“Elections are a Western jerk-off.”

“I keep hoping you’ll tell me. You’re the god, after all. If I prayed to you for guidance, and you decided to answer, what would you tell me?”
“I wouldn’t answer.”
“Because you don’t care? Or because you wouldn’t know what to say?”

“I pretty much don't care what the papers say about me.”