“I told the wife, "We'd be better off in Blackpool."”

“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”

“My wife's cooking's gotten a lot better since she learned the smoke alarm wasn't a timer. I had to tell her, "Honey, the food's done before that particular buzzer goes off!"”

“My wife told me the car wasn't running well. There was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, and she told me it was in the lake.”

“I think we were better as friends than husband and wife.”

“I know I can still play, but it's like I told my wife, I'm just tired mentally. I'm just tired”

“My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it. ”

“I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off of me, you two!"”

“One tortured soul I know who suffers from amazingly premature ejaculation -- I mean so premature that he hasn't got any children after eleven years of marriage -- was told by the priest that it was probably a blessing in disguise. What a piece of advice to give to a poor sod who comes off at the sound of his wife's car in the drive.”

“When my wife told me that she was anal, I thought, "Great." Turns out, there are two different kinds of "anal"… And she's the wrong one.”