“I'd just like to point out that Billy Joel looks like the result of a depraved breeding experiment between Ringo Starr and the tall bloke from Everybody Loves Raymond.”

“And I was almost famous, now everybody love Kanye
I'm almost Raymond”

“I'd just like to take this moment to point out that C has all the expressive power of two dixie cups and a string.”

“I'd just like to say to everybody that it's best to check out the independent life: the independent stores and the independent everybodies. We should try not to give our money to any corporations, if we can help it.”

“Kind of like the difference between making love and masturbation, I'd say.”

“Tell me that Billy Joe Armstrong doesn’t look like a fruit.”

“Hosting the Oscars is like making love to a beautiful woman — it's something I only get to do when Billy Crystal's out of town.”

“The gospel proceeds on the basis of universal depravity; the gospel assimilates all varieties of human nature into one common experience of guilt and need and helplessness; and this is just what you do not like about it.”

“Do you know like, when you're a bloke nudist, Do you ever get any who just have like a small knob?”

“Advancement is very costly for the society, it’s not just an idea that occurs to philosophers, but the result of the interaction and collision between conservatism and futurism. If everybody were conservationists, the society would become inert like that of ants and bees, time flies and they never change”