“[After reading an article on Miles for Kids in an inflight journal] What [President of the Airline] is doing is, he's urging everyone to give up their frequent flyer miles for sick kids… But as I was reading this, there were two empty seats next to me. Why can't sick kids sit there? If they're so concerned with sick kids, shouldn't they have like a pen of sick kids next to the gate?”

“The worst thing about this modern world is that people think you get killed on television with zero pain and zero blood. It must enter into kids' heads that it's not very messy to kill somebody, and it doesn't hurt that much. That's a real sickness to me. That's a real sick thing.”

“You tell a kid he doesn't like to read, and he'll believe you”

“These are our kids… They're good kids… Joining the army or the Marine Corps does not make you into a crypto-alcoholic Nazi, it makes you into a child of America who is doing a job for his country… Those are our kids… They're our kids.”

“Kids are baby goats. They're cute and they have redeeming social value. You are definitely not kids.”

“Sometimes, mothers say and do things that seem like they don't want their kids… but when you look more closely, you realize that they're doing those kids a favor. They're just trying to give them a better life.”

“"They're all, 'Dude, we're sorry. We were just kids. Your know how kids are. Growing up' and I'm just like "Shut up!'" (talking about when he meets people from his high school.)”

“Some kids do drugs. Some kids light stuff on fire. Me, I eat oats.”

“The kid makes you sick. He looks the part, he walks the part, he is the part. He's six-foot something, fit as a flea, good-looking - he's got to have something wrong with him…. Hopefully he's hung like a hamster! That would make us all feel better!”

“When kids look up to great scientists the way they do to great musicians and actors, civilization will jump to the next level”