“The reason people use a crucifix against vampires is because vampires are allergic to bullshit.”

“If you are a vampire, then a vampire is not the creature of the legends.”

“The strength of the vampire is that people will not believe in him.”

“There are vampires and vampires, and the ones that suck blood aren’t the worst.”

“Vampires pretending to be humans pretending to be vampires … How avant-garde!”

“I always knew there were vampires, dude,” he’d said. “Because, you know how there’s people you know who, like, always look the same, even when they’re, like, a hundred years old? Like David Bowie? That’s because they’re vampires.”

“Because all bad little vampires see me in the end”

“There are two levels of vampirism: one is the regular vampire, which is just like it has always been; and then there's the super vampires, which are a new breed we've created.”

“Do you even really know how vampires are made?'
'Well, when a mommy vampire and a daddy vampire love each other very much…”

“Bring a vampire around, people start discovering religion.”