“If I ever become a king, I’m totally going to ask him for an army of giant golden acid-spitting llamas. Okay, sorry. I got distracted again.”

“William I’m sorry I let my brother hoist you up the mast in that crappy jury-rigged bosun’s chair while everybody laughed! William I’m sorry I could build better fires than you could! I’m sorry my stack of Christmas cards was always bigger than yours! … William I’m sorry I invented bop jogging which you couldn’t do! I’m sorry I loved Antigua! I’m sorry my mind wandered when you talked about the army! I’m sorry I was superior in argument! I’m sorry you slit open my bicycle tires looking for incriminating letters that you didn’t find! You’ll never find them! … William! I’m sorry I looked at Sam but he was so handsome, so handsome, who could not! I’m sorry I slept with Sam! I’m sorry about the library books! I’m sorry about Pete! I’m sorry I never played the guitar you gave me! I’m sorry I married you and I’ll never so it again!”

“Sometimes you're talkin' and a little bit of spit flies out. You see it floating in the sky and land on 'em. You both see it happen and you go "Ooooh" you're thinkin' "Woops I got him!" He's thinking "Woops he got me!" But no one says anything. Because it's a secret. If his spit lands on me I don't do anything, I don't wipe it straight away, because I don't wanna embarass them. Hey, I've got his spit on my face and I'm worried about his feelings. You go "Sorry Carl" and I go "Nah, nah it's alright, I love being spat on."”

“(Pilot’s voice on airplane public address system) Geez, I’m sorry about that landing.... Why don’t I just go up and try again?”

“I don’t just like Ike; I love him. I think he’s the guy of guys, I think he’s uniquely American, and I’m sorry we’re not going to have him anymore.”

““Now I’m going to make you angry again.”
“Really?” I asked, drily. “Aren’t you getting tired of that?””

“Men. You can't live with them… and you can't legally shoot them. I tossed out my husband eight years ago and got a llama instead. Best decision I ever made.”

“I had to be the head of the household really for the first time and say okay, I have to actually make a rule that we’re going to live by here. And I decided what it was is that the family comes over the work always. I mean, with the kids it’s a priority. Because I wanted them to have a feeling like they could count on me like I was really there, I wasn’t just visiting. I didn’t want one of these moments like, “Jeez, honey, I’m sorry I’m not going to see you this week or this month or whatever because I’m going to LA.” I got some offers early that go out to LA and do parts on sitcoms and I said no, because it meant going and being away for a month.”

“It’s okay. Everything’s going to be okay. You can let go of the sword."
"I can’t. I can’t leave him alone. I have to protect him."
"You have.”

“Magnus was sure that the llama stampede he witnessed was a coincidence. The llamas could not be judging him.”