“Men exist because a vibrator can't fix a flat tire. On second thought, I should just buy a AAA card…”

“We'll put aside a little time to fix a flat or 2,
my tires and tubes are doing fine but the air is showing through”

“My thought is me: that's why I can't stop. I exist because I think … and I can't prevent myself from thinking.”

“Engvall pulls his car into a gas station after his tire goes flat.
Attendant: Tire go flat?
Engvall: Nope, I was drivin' along and the other three just swelled right up!
Attendant: Well, the heat'll do that.
Engvall: Here's your sign.”

“Just because Fate doesn't deal you the right cards, it doesn't mean you should give up. It just means you have to play the cards you get to their maximum potential.”

“Tired, but not the kind of tired that sleep fixes.”

“Ten men in our country could buy the whole world and ten million can't buy enough to eat.”

“Why didn't I buy a new phone earlier? Why don't I always walk around with a spare phone? It should be the law, like having a spare tire.”

“In the formulas of 'personnel experts', men and women are to be shaped into the 'well rounded, acceptable, effective personality.' Just like small proprietors, they cannot higgle over prices, which are fixed, or 'judge the market' and accordingly buy wisely.”

“I can fix a bad page. I can't fix a blank page.”