“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”

“My wife told me the car wasn't running well. There was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, and she told me it was in the lake.”

Henny Youngman (1906–1998) American comedian

“My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it. ”

Rodney Dangerfield (1921–2004) American actor and comedian

“Thats the trouble. all i wanted was a tumble in the hay. oh, boy, i said. ill bet that cute thing is fun and games. what he doesn't know about the birds and the bees and the flowers and the trees, i can sure teach him”

Alice Borchardt (1939–2007) American fiction writer

“Though I know something about British birds I should have been lost and confused among American birds, of which unhappily I know little or nothing. Colonel Roosevelt not only knew more about American birds than I did about British birds, but he knew about British birds also. What he had lacked was an opportunity of hearing their songs, and you cannot get a knowledge of the songs of birds in any other way than by listening to them.
We began our walk, and when a song was heard I told him the name of the bird. I noticed that as soon as I mentioned the name it was unnecessary to tell him more. He knew what the bird was like. It was not necessary for him to see it. He knew the kind of bird it was, its habits and appearance. He just wanted to complete his knowledge by hearing the song. He had, too, a very trained ear for bird songs, which cannot be acquired without having spent much time in listening to them. How he had found time in that busy life to acquire this knowledge so thoroughly it is almost impossible to imagine, but there the knowledge and training undoubtedly were. He had one of the most perfectly trained ears for bird songs that I have ever known, so that if three or four birds were singing together he would pick out their songs, distinguish each, and ask to be told each separate name; and when farther on we heard any bird for a second time, he would remember the song from the first telling and be able to name the bird himself.”

Edward Grey, 1st Viscount Grey of Fallodon (1862–1933) British Liberal statesman

“When I was a kid, I never went to Disneyland. My ol' man told me Mickey Mouse died in a cancer experiment.”

Rodney Dangerfield (1921–2004) American actor and comedian

“All kids draw and write poetry and everything, and some of us last until we're about eighteen, but most drop off at about twelve when some guy comes up and says, "You're no good." That's all we get told all our lives. "You haven't got the ability. You're a cobbler." It happened to all of us, but if somebody had told me all my life, "Yeah, you're a great artist," I would have been a more secure person.”

John Lennon (1940–1980) English singer and songwriter

“He was laughing again. What was it about Bird that made him do that?”

Patricia Reilly Giff (1935) American children's writer

“You know when I told you the joke about how a friend will help you move, but a real friend will help you move a body? I was only kidding.”

Brad Thor (1969) American writer

“I told the wife, "We'd be better off in Blackpool."”

Myles Rudge (1926–2007) English songwriter and scriptwriter