“[W]atching ducks land on a lake in Arkansas in the winter is about the closest to Heaven as you can find on this earth… and as someone who believes, according to my faith, I will go to Heaven when I die, I am pretty sure that there is duck hunting in Heaven!”

“I know the police cause you trouble
They cause trouble everywhere
But when you die and go to heaven
You find no policeman there”

“If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went.”

“If I am right, then (religious fundamentalists) will not go to Heaven, because there is no Heaven. If they are right, then they will not go to Heaven, because they are hypocrites.”

“I shall never eat duck again. I cannot believe I used to like duck. The duck betrayed me.”

“The perils of duck hunting are great - especially for the duck.”

“When I see a bird that walks like a duck and swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck, I call that bird a duck. ”

“I died. I died and someone made a clerical error and I am in Heaven.”

“I find earth not gray but rosy;
Heaven not grim but fair of hue.”

“Therefore the earth is dark to me, the sunlight blackness,
Therefore I go in tears and alone, by night and day;
Therefore I find no love in heaven, no light, no beauty,
A heaven taken by storm, where none are left but the slain!”