“So I'm eating Subway this evening when a beetle flies down and burrows into my sandwich. Never a bad time to start losing weight, is there.”

“I'm tired of carrying around the weight of the world. I'm just going to lay it down now. It's my time to die, and it's your time to live. Don't mess it up.”

“I've never gone on a diet to lose weight. I have taken a few things out of my diet, like pasta and white bread, which are not so necessary for the body. Right now I'm looking at apple strudel and brownies with whipped cream. Do I want to eat all that? Yes. I've been wanting it all day but I'm not going to do it. I'll have something else.”

“My advice to you, if you want to lose a bit of weight: don't eat anything that comes in a bucket. Buckets are the kitchen utensils of the farmyard.”

“I want to build this business as long as the customers will keep eating my sandwiches.”

“I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it. How'd it start anyway? I like my sandwiches with three pieces of bread. So do I! Well let's form a club then. Alright, but we need more stipulations. Yes we do; instead of cutting the sandwich once, let's cut it again. Yes, four triangles, and we will position them into a circle. In the middle we will dump chips. Or potato salad. Okay. I got a question for ya, how do you feel about frilly toothpicks? I'm for 'em! Well this club is formed; spread the word on menus nationwide. I like my sandwiches with alfalfa sprouts. Well then you're not in the fuckin' club!”

“I think once you start eating people you should stop claiming to be a vegetarian, even if you only eat bad people.”

“People think I'm a demented little pixie, but I'm not 'on' all the time. I'm sensible. I pay my bills. I've never done drugs. I don't drink or smoke. I eat organic. I'm a goody-goody, really, but I can play bad girls.”

“When beetles fight these battles in a bottle with their paddles
and the bottle's on a poodle and the poodle's eating noodles…
… they call this a muddle puddle tweetle poodle beetle noodle
bottle paddle battle.”

“I made a sandwich out of things. I'm an American. We can eat anything as long as it's between two pieces of bread.”