“Everyone is a comedy. If people are laughing at you, they just don't quite understand the joke that is themselves.”

“When you trick people into laughing at themselves, that's wit. If you don't laugh at yourself, everything becomes heavy.”

“To me, my approach is the most sensible. You're a comic. Therefore you want to get laughs. How do you get the most laughs in an hour? Tell short jokes. And don't say boom boom at the end. Just let the audience laugh then tell another joke. It's the shortest route to where you want to go.”

“People say: «Why don't you give it up?» I don't think they quite understand. I'm not doing it just for the money, or for you. I'm doing it for me. ”

“People are too lazy and too stupid to think for themselves that we've got sitcoms with canned laughter that let's you know when to laugh if you're to stupid to know when the joke is.”

“Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke.”

“I never lie, even to this day. Not even a little. Unless you count playing pranks on people, which I don't. That's comedy. Entertainment doesn't count. A joke is different from a lie, even if the difference is kind of subtle.”

“Half of the time I don't know what they're talking about; their jokes seem to relate to a past that everyone but me has shared. I'm a foreigner in the world and I don't understand the language.”

“People either have comedy or they don't. You can't teach it to them.”

“Our comedies are not to be laughed at.”