Chris Rock cytaty

strona 2

„Rasizm wszędzie, wszyscy wkurwieni. Czarni krzyczą, „Rasizm!” Biali krzyczą, „Odwrócony rasizm!” Chińczycy krzyczą, „Boczny rasizm!””

„Jeśli chodzi o kobiety i pieniądze to powiem wam to od razu, nic nie wysusza cipki szybciej, niż kobieta sięgająca po portfel.”

„Jeśli nie planowałeś morderstwa, to nie byłeś zakochany.”

„Czarni nie mają nic do Żydów. Czarni nienawidzą Białych! Nie mamy czasu, żeby dzielić Białych na mniejsze grupki.”

„Faceci kłamią najczęściej, kobiety mówią największe kłamstwa. Panowie, kłamiemy cały czas. Tak często kłamiemy, że to prawie nasz cholerny język. Oskarżać faceta o kłamstwo to tak jak grać w kosza z upośledzonym dzieciakiem i łapać go na robieniu „podwójnej”. Trzeba mu trochę odpuścić. Wiecie jak wygląda kłamstwo faceta? Wygląda tak: „Byłem u Tony’ego.” „Jestem u Kenny’ego.” To kłamstwo faceta. Kłamstwo kobiety to: „To twoje dziecko.” „Nawet nie wygląda jak ja!””

„USA to najlepszy kraj na świecie. Nawet Czarni mają szczęście, że tu są. Ale jeśli jesteś Czarny, to patrzysz na USA nieco inaczej. Jeśli jesteś Czarny, to USA jest jak wujek, który płacił ci za studia, ale cię molestował.”

„Znacie mit striptizerek? Jest taki mit, mocno zakorzeniony w społeczeństwie. Ten mit to: „Tańczę, by opłacić czesne.” To nie prawda! Nie ma striptizerek na studiach! Nie ma przezroczystych szpilek na biologii. Cholera, nie wiedziałem, że jest uniwersytet, który przyjmuje tylko jednodolarówki.”

„Nie pokonasz kobiety w kłótni, to niemożliwe. Nie wygracie, bo jeśli chodzi o kłótnię, to my mamy pod górkę. Bo my musimy mówić z sensem.”

“You can't be happy that fire cooks your food and be mad it burns your fingertips.”

“When a woman get pregnant, it's an issue between her and her girlfriends. When a woman get pregnant, her and her girlfriends form an abortion tribunal, and they vote on the child like it was Survivor. Then the first girlfriend throws in her two cents: "Child, you should have that baby, that man got some good hair, it's wavy, it's wavy." Then second girlfriend throws in her two cents: "Girl, why are we even talking about this? Ain't we supposed to go to Cancun next weekend? Get rid of that baby." And that's how life is decided in America.”

“Oprah is rich, Bill Gates is wealthy. If Bill Gates woke up tomorrow with Oprah's money, he'd jump out a fuckin' window and slit his throat on the way down saying, "I can't even put gas in my plane!"”

“You know those guys that go to the strip club at the daytime? If you're at a strip club and the sun is out, you got some problems!”

“They don't want you to vote. If they did, we wouldn't vote on a Tuesday. In November. You ever throw a party on a Tuesday? No. Because nobody would come.”

“Whenever I go out with other married couples, I like to bring along a single crackhead. Just to spice things up.”

“[on John McCain] I don't need a president with a bucket list!”

“If you said more words to him than "mommy'll be back", he might know something!”

“George Bush hates midgets.”

“You can't beat white people, you can only knock them out.”

“Have you been watching American Idol? They have Simon Cowell and Paula Abdul judging the singing. Paula Abdul?! Getting Paula Abdul to judge a singing contest is like getting Christopher Reeve to judge a dance contest!”

“You can be married and bored, or single and lonely. Ain't no happiness nowhere.”

“So if you're black or brown, you can make money in America, you can get rich in America … but whatever you decide to do, it better be positive, 'cause if one person is harmed, you will be destroyed. You see Oprah, she just be giving away money. She's trying keep the Feds off her back.”

“Shaq is rich. The white man who signs his check … is wealthy. "Ah, here you go, Shaq. Go buy yourself a bouncing car. Bling, bling!"”

“Do you know what the good side of crack is? If you're up at the right hour, you can get a VCR for $1.50. You can furnish your whole house for $10.95.”

“What is on Kobe's mind? Going to Colorado, around all these white people, and not bringing Johnnie Cochran? Well then they say, "well if you hire Johnnie Cochran, you're going to look guilty." Yeah, but you going home! You want to look innocent in jail? I'd rather look guilty at the mall.”

“If you wanna get away with murder, all you gotta do is shoot somebody in the head and put a demo tape in their pocket! "This is a rap killing. Let's go home!"”

“I hope that Live Earth ends global warming the same way the Live Aid ended world poverty.”

“Black Santa Claus caused more tears than the Tampa Bay Devil Rays.”

“If the kid call his grandmama "Mommy" and his mama "Pam", he going to jail!”

“Every man has to settle down eventually. You know why you gotta settle down eventually? Because you don't want to be the old guy in the club. You know what I'm talking about. Every club you go into, there's always some old guy. He ain't really old, just a little too old to be in the club.”

“See… Relationships are hard, man. For order, for any relationship to work, both people have to be on the same page, both people have to have the same focus, and we all know what that page is. We all know what that focus is. In order for the relationship to work both people have to have the same focus, and what's that focus? That focus is all about HER! It's all about her!”

“You know what GED stands for? Good Enough Diploma.”

“Happy white peoples independence day the slaves weren't free but I'm sure they enjoyed fireworks”

“You mean to tell me that Hawaiians came up with pineapples, resorts, hula hoops, Magnum P. I. and the best damn punch in the world and they don't get no money from it!?”

“The only acting you ever see at the Oscars is when people act like they're not mad they lost. Nicole Kidman was smiling so wide, she should have won an Emmy at the Oscars for her great performance. I was like, "If you'd done that in the movie, you'd have won an Oscar, girl."”

“Everybody want to know what the kids was listening to, what kind of music they was listening to, or what kind of movies they was watching. Who gives a fuck what they was watching? Whatever happened to CRAZY?”

“On Desperate Housewives: I think they should change the name of that show from Desperate Housewives…to Ungrateful Bitches! You all are hoes bitch!”

“Who gives a fuck what they was watching? Whatever happened to crazy?”