“My wife is in Portugal with the dog. The dog is with my wife so the city of London is safe, the big threat is away. [After his Yorkshire Terrier had issues with customs. ]”

“"What you doin' with such a big ol' dog in New York?" "Never had a wife."”

“My wife wants a dog. She already has a baby. The baby’s almost two. My wife says that the baby wants the dog.
My wife has been wanting a dog for a long time. I have had to be the one to tell her that she couldn’t have one. But now the baby wants a dog, my wife says. This may be true. The baby is very close to my wife. They go around together all the time, clutching each other tightly. I ask the baby, who is a girl, “Whose girl are you? Are you Daddy’s girl?” The baby says, “Momma,” and she doesn’t just say it once, she says it repeatedly, “Momma momma momma.””

“It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass. ”

“That's my house and that's my car
That's my dog in my backyard
There's the window to the room
Where she lays her pretty headI planted that tree out by the fence
Not long after we moved in
That's my kids and that's my wife
Who's that man, runnin' my life?”

“There are three faithful friends, an old wife, an old dog, and ready money.”

“My wife and I had an argument last week that was so stupid, it bears repeating. My wife collects twist ties. Welcome to my world.”

“When asked why he parted with his wife, Cæsar replied, "I wished my wife to be not so much as suspected."”

“Logician: A cat has four paws.
Old Gentleman: My dog had four paws.
Logician: Then it's a cat.
Old Gentleman: So my dog is a cat?
Logician: And the contrary is also true.”

“His wife had held him in her arms as if she could keep death away from him.
He had cried out, "My God, I am a dead man!"”