“Do radioactive cats have eighteen half-lives?”

“I am glad you have a Cat, but I do not believe it is So remarkable a cat as My Cat.”

“Having many cats is good. If you feel bad, you look at the cats and you feel better, because they know that everything is just the way it is. You don't have to be nervous about anything. And they know it. They are saviors. The more cats you have, the longer you will live. If you have a hundred cats, you will live ten times longer than if you have ten. One day, this will be known and people will have thousands of cats.”

“Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.”

“I have lived with several Zen masters -- all of them cats.”

“One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.”

“For all the accomplishments of molecular biology, we still can't tell a live cat from a dead cat.”

“A cat is there if you call her- if she doesn't have anything better to do.”

“You have no control over your cat! You can't say to your cat, "Cat, heel! Stay! Wait! Lie down! Roll over!" 'Cause the cat's just gonna be sitting there going, "Interesting words … have you finished?" While you're shouting all this to your cat, your dog's next to you, going … [mimes obeying all commands] "What the hell are you doing? I'm talking to the cat!"”

“I don’t want her to have a cat because she’ll end up talking baby talk to the cat. That’s the way it is, and how can a P. I. do that?”