“At the age of nine I found it a weird concept that someone is here one day and not the next. I didn’t understand what that truly meant. It was so big. I’d never heard of murders in London before then. A little kid running around with your packed lunch and your superheroes.”

“other kids pack lunch”

“I think I always knew that I would have kids but I didn’t… understand… the… whooooo [brims with tears once again]. That I could love my kids the way that I love ‘em. I didn’t know there was… room for that. You love your wife, your family, but it’s different with your kids. I didn’t know I could be so selfless. I would do anything for my kids. Anything. I guess everybody goes through it.”

“It was truly a good thing that I’d found writing as my outlet or I was sure I would have become a mass murderer, killing all those heartless, racist teachers who’d beat us Mexican kids down since kindergarten”

“When I first heard the word existential, I didn't know what it meant. But then I found out that no one knows what it means, so now I use it all the time.”

“[to audience member] How much do you smoke a day sir? [the man says a pack] Pack! What a little puss. Gosh, why don't you just put a dress on and show it all to us while you smoke your little faggoty pack. C'mon, swish around for us. Damnit that pisses me off. I go through two lighters a day, dude. I'm starting to feel it.”

“Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around.”

“I once heard someone say that the concept of moderation seems a little extreme, and tonight… I agree.”

“It was a nasty day in late December, just before the holidays. The weather was cold, wet, and miserable—well, I said it was London, didn’t I?”

“You're making me nervous by being so weird.
But your weirdness is what I like about you.”