“to a defendant who called the plaintiff a "witch" after the judge ruled in the plaintiff's favor: You gotta learn to behave yourself, madam. I have a feeling you have a pretty hot temper - not as hot as mine. That's all - out!”

“to a defendant raising his hand to speak while plaintiff is speaking: You wanna lose, fast?”

Judith Sheindlin (1942) American lawyer, judge, television personality, and author

“My judgment ought to be given for the plaintiff: but my brothers are all of another opinion, and so I submit to it. The defendant must have his judgment.”

John Holt (Lord Chief Justice) (1642–1710) English lawyer and Lord Chief Justice of England

“The plaintiff cannot dive into the secret recesses of his (the defendant's) heart.”

John Romilly, 1st Baron Romilly (1802–1874) English Whig politician and judge

“I have three ex-wives. I can't remember any of their names, so I just call 'em Plaintiff.”

Lewis Grizzard (1946–1994) American journalist

“Judy: [yelling at defendant, who is being sued for bleaching plaintiff's clothes and has just cursed at plaintiff in court] LISTEN TO ME!!! Where do you think you are? You think you're on Springer? [audience laughs] You're NOT! You're NOT! You wanna go to a therapist, go someplace else---
Defendant: No, I don't need a therapist.
Judy: Listen to me!
Defendant: I don't need to see a therapist… [continues trying to talk over Judy]
Judy: Only one person is going to have--only one… judgment for the plaintiff in the amount of $5000! Your counterclaim is dismissed!
Defendant: Excuse me? No! What about my computer? But what about my computer? But what about my computer?
Judy: [getting up to walk off the set] That's all. Your counterclaim is dismissed.
Defendant: …and you just gonna walk away like that? That don't even make no sense! What about my computer, I don't get no chance to say nothin'…
Judy: [over defendant's continued protests] I told you - I told you: it's my playpen, I have the word. Goodbye, go someplace else!”

Judith Sheindlin (1942) American lawyer, judge, television personality, and author

“Do not repeat slander; you should not hear it, for it is the result of hot temper.”

Ptahhotep Ancient Egyptian vizier

“You pulled out a gun, and you shot the gun over FLOWERS! Are you a MORON?!! … You should be hiding under a rock, not acting as plaintiff in a lawsuit!”

Judith Sheindlin (1942) American lawyer, judge, television personality, and author

“[about the woman who sued McDonald's because her coffee was too hot] We have trouble convicting people who confess to murder, but this woman is able to take three mil off of McDonald's? If the judge had any common sense, the trial should have gone like this: "Will the defendant please rise? Yeah, it's your fault. You're stupid. Coffee is supposed to be hot. Why didn't you blow on it before you chugged it down like a pledge having his first beer? Get out of my courtroom you stupid, stupid woman. Take your pinstriped parasite lawyer with you. Next case!"”

Dennis Miller (1953) American stand-up comedian, television host, and actor

“You know you're a hot mess when the only person buying you drinks all night is yourself.”

Chelsea Handler (1975) American comedian, actress, author and talk show host