“Every girl asked me, "What makes you god's gift to women?" Some answers:
13 inches. Who ever thought it could be too big?
I have 20 million dollars and terminal cancer.
I like to listen.
I'm a convicted sex offender.
Have you seen this face? Look at how hot I am!
I like to cut up hookers.
Bend over and I'll show you.”

The Tucker Max Stories

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Tucker Max26

Internet personality; blogger; author 1975

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“She got convinced in her crazy head that I had sex with this girl in Columbus, Ohio…and I did, and I'll tell you why. When you enter into a monogamous relationship with somebody, you usually do it at a point in the relationship when you're having a lot of sex. So you're willing to sign the papers. "I'll only have sex with you, ever-ever-ever…ever." Well, if that person stops having sex altogether… why, you find yourself in quite a pickle. I'm a pretty good dog, but if you don't pet me every once in awhile, it's hard to keep me under the porch. I'm not as flexible as real dog. And I'll tell you what happened, too. I was in Columbus, Ohio, and I haven't been laid in three months. Three months! You can't go three months without having sex with me. I'll go have sex with somebody else. I know, I've seen me do it. I did a show one night. I came offstage, there's gorgeous woman, maybe 35, 40 years old, long black dress, slit up to her waist, GORGEOUS. Gimme a second. Just…And I walk off stage, she goes, "I thought you were hilarious. I wanna buy you a drink." I'm like, "I can't do that, I'm married." And she says, "I didn't ask if you wanna have sex, big boy. I asked if you wanna have a drink at my place."…Alright. Now, you know of that little guy that sits on your shoulder and reminds you of your prior commitments and your moral fortitude? I didn't hear a peep out of that guy. He hadn't been laid in 3 months either. He was speechless for like 20 minutes then he was like, "Suck her titty!"…"I was gonna!" I was having a 3-way with my conscience. Soon as the whole thing's over, he's back at his post, saying, "That was wrong, mister!" "Hey! 15 minutes ago, you were beating off on my shoulder, monkey boy!"”

Ron White (1956) American comedian

I hate him. He smokes pot. He burned a hole in my other jacket.
They Call Me Tater Salad

“I'm all for women who get plastic surgery, because plastic surgery allows you to make your outer appearance resemble your inner appearance — fake… We have shows like Extreme Make-Over: "I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it."”

Daniel Tosh (1975) American stand-up comedian

True Stories I Made Up (2005)

“I don't like girls who wear lots of make-up and you can't see their face. Some girls are beautiful but insecure and look much better without the make-up, but decide to put loads on. I like girls with nice eyes and a nice smile.”

Justin Bieber (1994) Canadian singer-songwriter, record producer, and actor

Quoted in MTV Justin Bieber: "Girls Look Better Without Make-Up" http://www.mtv.co.uk/news/justin-bieber/202740-justin-bieber, April 2010

“I am glad you are no relation of mine. I will never call you aunt as long as I live. I will never come to see you when I am grown up; and if any asks me how I liked you, and how you treated me, I will say the very thought of you makes me sick.”

Charlotte Brontë book Jane Eyre

Jane to Mrs. Reed (Ch. 4)
Jane Eyre (1847)

“I will use anybody I must. You said it yourself; I am who I am. And I'm using myself up, Perrin, because I have to. Just like I'll use anybody I have to. We don't have a choice anymore. Not me, not you, not anybody!”

Robert Jordan (1948–2007) American writer

Rand al'Thor
(15 October 1994)

“Douglas-Home: Can you not make me look better than I do on television? I look rather scraggy, like a ghost.
Make-up girl: No.
Douglas-Home: Why not?
Make-up girl: Because you have a head like a skull.
Douglas-Home: Doesn't everyone have a head like a skull?
Make-up girl: No.”

Alec Douglas-Home (1903–1995) Former Prime Minister of the United Kingdom

Michael Cockerell, "Live from Number 10", p. 105.
A story told by Douglas-Home about going on television in the 1964 election.
Attributed

“You're drunk, and I'm drunk, and I'm just exactly drunk enough to tell you anything you want to know. That's the kind of girl I am. If I like a person, I'll tell them anything they want to know. Just ask me. Go ahead, ask me.”

Dashiell Hammett book Red Harvest

Source: Red Harvest

“Some guys look at you like they only want sex. Jace looks at you like you've had sex - it was great and now you're just friends. Drives girls crazy. Know what I mean?" Yes. Clary thought. "No." Clary said.”

Cassandra Clare book City of Ashes

Source: City of Ashes

“And it's not just a matter of you hurting me. I will hurt you too, even if I don't want to, I'm not the girl you think I am. And you will remember this conversation, and wish that you'd listened to me.”

Cinda Williams Chima (1952) Novelist

Source: The Exiled Queen

“You ask me how it's possible for me to carry on. I wonder
if I look like someone who looks like
it's possible to carry on.”

Michael Rosen (1946) British children's writer

Carrying the Elephant

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