I did not learn my AA-BB-CC's. God-god dammit-dammit.
Mitch All Together (2003)
“I get the Reese's candy bar, if you read that name Reese's that's an apostrophe-S. Reese-apostrophe-S, on the end of that name. That means the candy bar is his, I didn't know that! Next time you're eating a Reese's candy bar and a guy name Reese comes by and says "Let me have that," you'd better hand it over. "I'm sorry, Reese, I didn't think I'd ever run into you! You're a fuckin' bully, man! Let me at least have a piece!"”
Mitch All Together (2003)
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Mitch Hedberg 101
American stand-up comedian 1968–2005Related quotes

“I had teeth that stuck out so far, I used to eat other kids' candy bars by accident.”
Essay 42: "Fillings Nothing … More Than Fillings", p. 151
Naked Beneath My Clothes (1992)

“Truth-tellers are not always palatable.
There is a preference for candy bars.”
Gottschalk and the Grande Tarantelle (1988)
"Teacher"
The Children's Story (1982)
Context: Maybe we didn't pray hard enough. Perhaps we should kneel down like is done in church. Perhaps were using the wrong name. Instead of God, let's say "Our Leader." Let's pray to our leader for candy! Let's pray extra specially hard, and don't open your eyes until I say.

“Whoever thought a tiny candy bar should be called fun size was a moron.”