“You're probably like me, when your doorbell rings, your dog goes racing up to the door…but it's never for him, is it? "Who did you think it was going to be, one of your little friends?"”

“One who reveals your faults to you like a mirror is your true friend, and one who flatters you and covers up your faults is your enemy.”

“True love, to me, is when she's the first thought that goes through your head when you wake up and the last thought that goes through your head before you go to sleep.”

“Everybody loves you when you're dead. Everyone is suddenly your dearest friend. Nobody talks no dirt about you. But life, it just goes on above your head, when you're dead.”

“The boss is never your friend, even if you're sleeping with him.”

“I hate when your friends quit drinking on you, don't you? It's sad. I've lost more friends to AA than Liberace did to the virus. It's sad to see 'em go. You see a thirty day chip on your buddy's key ring, it's like seeing a toe tag on his cold, stiff corpse.”

“What really knocks me out is a book that, when you're all done reading it, you wish the author that wrote it was a terrific friend of yours and you could call him up on the phone whenever you felt like it.”

“Pets are family and they should be treated as such. I think the most important thing people should know [is to treat] your dog how you’d like to be treated. Your dog is going to love you as much as you love him or her.”

“This life is what you make it. No matter what, you're going to mess up sometimes, it's a universal truth. But the good part is you get to decide how you're going to mess it up. Girls will be your friends - they'll act like it anyway. But just remember, some come, some go. The ones that stay with you through everything - they're your true best friends. Don't let go of them. Also remember, sisters make the best friends in the world. As for lovers, well, they'll come and go too. And baby, I hate to say it, most of them - actually pretty much all of them are going to break your heart, but you can't give up because if you give up, you'll never find your soulmate. You'll never find that half who makes you whole and that goes for everything. Just because you fail once, doesn't mean you're gonna fail at everything. Keep trying, hold on, and always, always, always believe in yourself, because if you don't, then who will, sweetie? So keep your head high, keep your chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling, because life's a beautiful thing and there's so much to smile about.”

“When the doorbell rings at three in the morning, it's never good news.”