“Woke up this morning with a terrific urge to lie in bed all day and read.”

“Woke up this morning afraid I was gonna live.”

“I woke up in bed with a man and a cat. The man was a stranger; the cat was not”

“I woke up this morning with a bad hangover and my penis was missing again. This happens all the time; it's detachable.”

“’Neath cold sand I dreamed of death / but woke at dawn to see / in glory, the bright, the morning star.
This was not judgement day — only morning. Morning: excellent and fair.”

“I had an inspiration once. I woke up one morning and I knew that it was my task to swallow fifty asprin. It was my task:my job for the day.-17 Girl Interrupted”

“I was so happy every morning when I woke up that I was pissing smiley faces.”

“I woke up thinking a very pleasant thought. There is lots left in the world to read.”

“I can imagine no greater bliss than to lie about, reading novels all day.”

“I woke up this morning and fell out of bed;
Trouble waiting to happen.
Should've quit while I was ahead;
Trouble waiting to happen.
I turned on the news to the Third World War,
Opened up the paper to World War IV.
Just when I thought it was safe to be bored,
Trouble waiting to happen.”