Steven Wright: Timing

“Everywhere is walking distance if you've got the time.”

“I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time" so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.”

“It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.”

“You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading… and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.”

“I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.”

“Sorry… my mind was wandering… one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn’t pay for.”

“You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time…”

“I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.”

“If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?”

“I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I didn’t have that much time.”

“When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year.
I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.”