Steven Wright: Trending quotes

Steven Wright trending quotes. Read the latest quotes in collection

Steven Wright: 356 quotes14 likes

“I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I didn’t have that much time.”

“When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?”

“I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was 'woman.”

“If Dracula can't see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?”

“I had amnesia once or twice.”

“Do radioactive cats have eighteen half-lives?”

“If you are sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?”

“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”

“I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.”

“I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.”

“I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.”

“Smoking cures weight problems, eventually.”

“I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.”

“Women. Can't live with 'em, can't shoot 'em.”

“When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year.
I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.”

“So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I’m dragging the plane through the terminal… The wings are knocking people over…”

“The doctor says he has to amputate all of me.”

“Is it possible to be totally partial?”

“To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.”

“I was in a grocery store. I saw a sign that said 'pet supplies.' So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said, 'Compact cars.”