Steven Wright: Trending quotes (page 7)

“I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.”

“When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.”

“On the other hand, you have different fingers.”

“There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.”

“Sometimes you can't hear me, it's because sometimes I'm in parentheses.”

“When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.”

“How do you get off a non-stop flight?”

“What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?”

“Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.”

“The early bird may get the worm, but it's the second mouse who gets the cheese.”

“I'm a peripheral visionary.”

“Imagine Oshkosh straitjackets for little insane children.”

“I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were mad.”

“When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?”

“I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.”

“My school colors were clear. We used to say, 'I'm not naked, I'm in the band.”

“I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included. So I had to buy them again.”

“If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?”

“Cross-country skiing is fine as long as you live in a small country.”