Steven Wright: Trending quotes (page 4)

“When I was a kid we had a sandbox. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.”

“A metaphor is like a simile.”

“I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.”

“When an evil masochist dies, does he go to hell, or would heaven be a better punishment?”

“What is the speed of dark?”

“Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?”

“I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.”

“If warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell.”

“If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?”

“Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates… When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?”

“Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?”

“I’m so tired… I was up all night trying to round off infinity.”

“Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?”

“I can levitate birds. No one cares.”

“Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.”

“I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you’re not using?”

“Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff?”

“All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.”

“You can't have everything… where would you put it?”