“When I was a kid we had a sandbox. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.”Steven Wright
“I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.”Steven Wright
“When an evil masochist dies, does he go to hell, or would heaven be a better punishment?”Steven Wright
“Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?”Steven Wright
“If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?”Steven Wright
“Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates… When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?”Steven Wright
“I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you’re not using?”Steven Wright