Steven Wright: Trending quotes (page 2)

“The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.”

“If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?”

“Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.”

“I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.”

“I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time" so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.”

“If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?”

“If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?”

“Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.”

“I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.”

“When I first read the dictionary, I thought it was a long poem about everything.”

“I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where’s the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.”

“I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.”

“I have a large seashell collection which I keep scattered on the beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen it.”

“The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?”

“It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.”

“You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading… and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.”

“I wish the first word I ever said was the word "quote," so right before I die I could say "unquote."”

“Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?”

“I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.”