Scott Dikkers Quotes

Scott Dikkers is an American comedy writer, speaker and entrepreneur. He was a founding editor of The Onion, and is the publication's longest-serving editor-in-chief, holding the position from 1988–1999, 2005–2008, and as General Manager / Vice President of Creative Development from 2012-2014. He currently heads the "Writing with The Onion" program in partnership with The Onion and The Second City in Chicago. Wikipedia

✵ 1. March 1965

Scott Dikkers: 7 quotes0 likes

Famous Scott Dikkers Quotes

“Statistically speaking, there is a 65 percent chance that the love of your life is having an affair. Be very suspicious.”

Source: You Are Worthless: Depressing Nuggets of Wisdom Sure to Ruin Your Day

“Be sure to lie to your kids about the benevolent, all-seeing Santa Claus. It will prepare them for an adulthood of believing in God.”

Source: You Are Worthless: Depressing Nuggets of Wisdom Sure to Ruin Your Day

“A true friend is a gift from God. Since God doesn't exist, guess what? Neither do true friends.”

Source: You Are Worthless: Depressing Nuggets of Wisdom Sure to Ruin Your Day

“Your pet is not your friend. It is your hostage.”

Source: You Are Worthless: Depressing Nuggets of Wisdom Sure to Ruin Your Day

“I respect your right to hold your religious beliefs, and if they help you, I think that's great. I would, however, like to inform you that you are a raving kook.”

Source: You Are Worthless: Depressing Nuggets of Wisdom Sure to Ruin Your Day

“If your workplace was somehow transplanted into the jungle and everyone was forced to survive at a very primitive level, it's safe to say that eventually your boss would rape you.”

Source: You Are Worthless: Depressing Nuggets of Wisdom Sure to Ruin Your Day

“You have sexual tendencies that are not normal, and you should be ashamed of them.”

Source: You Are Worthless: Depressing Nuggets of Wisdom Sure to Ruin Your Day

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