Rodney Dangerfield: Trending quotes (page 2)

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Rodney Dangerfield: 108   quotes 19   likes

“I was so ugly… When I was born, the doctor slapped my mother!”

Rodney Dangerfield

Actually originated with Henny Youngman..
Misattributed
Variant: I was an ugly kid. When I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.
Source: Youngman H. 101 of My Funniest Jokes. New York: Henny Youngman, 1976. Brochure. Cited in: Essays of an Information Scientist, Vol:4, p.515-518, 1979-80, Current Comments #26, p. 516, June 30, 1980 PDF http://www.garfield.library.upenn.edu/essays/v4p515y1979-80.pdf

“I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them.”

Rodney Dangerfield

Source: It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect But Plenty of Sex and Drugs (2004), p. 18

Cooking

“In my life I've been through plenty. when I was three years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me.”

Rodney Dangerfield

Source: It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect But Plenty of Sex and Drugs (2004), p. 6

Life , Dogs , Parent

“What a childhood I had. Once on my birthday my ol' man gave me a bat. The first day I played with it, it flew away.”

Rodney Dangerfield

Source: It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect But Plenty of Sex and Drugs (2004), p. 7

Birthday , Childhood

“I tell ya, my wife likes to talk during sex. Last night, she called me from a motel.”

Rodney Dangerfield

Source: It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect But Plenty of Sex and Drugs (2004), p. 59

Sex , Night

“I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to keep out of those places.”

Rodney Dangerfield

Variant: I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to keep out of those places.
Source: It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect But Plenty of Sex and Drugs (2004), p. 8

“When I was a kid I got no respect. When my parents got divorced there was a custody fight over me… and no one showed up.”

Rodney Dangerfield

Source: It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect But Plenty of Sex and Drugs (2004), p. 10

Parent , Fight

“I tell ya, my family were always big drinkers. When I was a kid, I was missing. They put my picture on a bottle of Scotch.”

Rodney Dangerfield

Source: It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect But Plenty of Sex and Drugs (2004), p. 21

Family

“I like to date schoolteachers. If you do something wrong, they make you do it over again.”

Rodney Dangerfield

Source: It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect But Plenty of Sex and Drugs (2004), p. 12

“A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, "Man, I wish I had your willpower."”

Rodney Dangerfield

Source: It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect But Plenty of Sex and Drugs (2004), p. 15

Guy

“I was an ugly kid. I worked in a pet store. People kept asking how big I get.”

Rodney Dangerfield

Source: It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect But Plenty of Sex and Drugs (2004), p. 17

People

“I live in a tough neighborhood. They got a children's zoo. Last week, four kids escaped.”

Rodney Dangerfield

Source: It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect But Plenty of Sex and Drugs (2004), p. 14

Children

“When I got back into show business in 1961, I felt — for obvious reasons — that nothing in my life went right, and I realized that millions of people felt the same way. So when I first came back my catch phrase was "nothing goes right."”

Rodney Dangerfield

Early on, that was my setup for a lot of jokes.
Source: It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect But Plenty of Sex and Drugs (2004), p. 126.

Life , People , Way , Business

“My old man never liked me. He gave me my allowance in traveler's checks.”

Rodney Dangerfield

Source: It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect But Plenty of Sex and Drugs (2004), p. 13

Travel

“There goes the neighborhood.”

Rodney Dangerfield

Epitaph, quoted in Patricia Brooks, Laid to Rest in California (2006), p. 20

“We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations — we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.”

Rodney Dangerfield
Marriage , Sleep , Funny