Mitch Hedberg: Trending quotes (page 5)

“What am I drinking? NyQuil on the rocks, for when you're feeling sick but sociable.”

“A fly was very close to being called a "land," cause that's what they do half the time.”

“I was walking down the street the other day when this guy asked if I wanted a frozen banana…I said 'no' but then thought I might want a regular banana later, so…yeah.”

“I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.”

“I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.”

“My girl works at Hooters, in the kitchen.”

“The Kit-Kat candy bar has the name 'Kit-Kat' imprinted into the chocolate… That robs you of chocolate! That is a clever chocolate saving technique. I go down to the factory "You owe me some letters!"”

“I went to a record store, they said they specialized in hard-to-find records. Nothing was alphabetized.”

“Vending machines are a big part of my life. I like when you reach into the vending machine to grab your candy bar and that flap goes up to block you from reaching up. That's a good invention. Before then it was hard times for the vending machine owners, "What candy bar are you getting?", "That one… and every one on the bottom row!"”

“I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.”

“This is what my friend said to me; he said "You know what I like? Mashed potatoes." It's like, "Dude. you gotta give me time to guess. If you're gonna quiz me, you must insert a pause in there."”

“When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.”

“Check this joke out: If you wanna talk to me after the show I'll be… Fuckin'… Surprised. I'm gonna have to have some liner notes for that joke, like "During that joke, he points to the back." So people get the full experience. I'm gonna do a bunch of jokes that require actually seeing me. Then the CD will piss people off.”

“A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.”

“If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I'd be making money in a very weird way.”

“I dressed up for the CD.”

“I would imagine that the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is… fucking… clean.”

“My belt holds up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What the fuck’s really goin on down there? Who is the real hero?”

“If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up.”