Mitch Hedberg: Trending quotes

Mitch Hedberg trending quotes. Read the latest quotes in collection
Mitch Hedberg: 202 quotes4 likes

“I get the Reese's candy bar, if you read that name Reese's that's an apostrophe-S. Reese-apostrophe-S, on the end of that name. That means the candy bar is his, I didn't know that! Next time you're eating a Reese's candy bar and a guy name Reese comes by and says "Let me have that," you'd better hand it over. "I'm sorry, Reese, I didn't think I'd ever run into you! You're a fuckin' bully, man! Let me at least have a piece!"”

Mitch Hedberg

Mitch All Together (2003)

“What am I drinking? NyQuil on the rocks, for when you're feeling sick but sociable.”

Mitch Hedberg

Do You Believe in Gosh?

“A fly was very close to being called a "land," cause that's what they do half the time.”

Mitch Hedberg

Do You Believe in Gosh?

“I was walking down the street the other day when this guy asked if I wanted a frozen banana…I said 'no' but then thought I might want a regular banana later, so…yeah.”

Mitch Hedberg

Just For Laughs: On The Edge - 2002

“I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.”

Mitch Hedberg

Strategic Grill Locations

“I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.”

Mitch Hedberg

Strategic Grill Locations

“My girl works at Hooters, in the kitchen.”

Mitch Hedberg

Do You Believe in Gosh?

“The Kit-Kat candy bar has the name 'Kit-Kat' imprinted into the chocolate… That robs you of chocolate! That is a clever chocolate saving technique. I go down to the factory "You owe me some letters!"”

Mitch Hedberg

Mitch All Together (2003)

“I went to a record store, they said they specialized in hard-to-find records. Nothing was alphabetized.”

Mitch Hedberg

Do You Believe in Gosh?

“Vending machines are a big part of my life. I like when you reach into the vending machine to grab your candy bar and that flap goes up to block you from reaching up. That's a good invention. Before then it was hard times for the vending machine owners, "What candy bar are you getting?", "That one… and every one on the bottom row!"”

Mitch Hedberg

Mitch All Together (2003)

“I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.”

Mitch Hedberg

Strategic Grill Locations

“This is what my friend said to me; he said "You know what I like? Mashed potatoes." It's like, "Dude. you gotta give me time to guess. If you're gonna quiz me, you must insert a pause in there."”

Mitch Hedberg

Strategic Grill Locations

“Check this joke out: If you wanna talk to me after the show I'll be… Fuckin'… Surprised. I'm gonna have to have some liner notes for that joke, like "During that joke, he points to the back." So people get the full experience. I'm gonna do a bunch of jokes that require actually seeing me. Then the CD will piss people off.”

Mitch Hedberg

Mitch All Together (2003)

“A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.”

Mitch Hedberg

Strategic Grill Locations

“If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I'd be making money in a very weird way.”

Mitch Hedberg

Do You Believe in Gosh?

“I dressed up for the CD.”

Mitch Hedberg

Strategic Grill Locations

“I would imagine that the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is… fucking… clean.”

Mitch Hedberg

Do You Believe in Gosh?

“My belt holds up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What the fuck’s really goin on down there? Who is the real hero?”

Mitch Hedberg

Do You Believe in Gosh?

“If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up.”

Mitch Hedberg

Strategic Grill Locations