Mitch Hedberg: Trending quotes

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Mitch Hedberg: 202 quotes4 likes

“I saw a lady on T. V. She was born without arms. Literally, she was born with her hands attached to her shoulders… and that was sad, but then they said "Lola does not know the meaning of the word 'can't.'" And that to me was kinda worse… In a way… Y'know? Not only does she not have arms, but she doesn't understand simple contractions. It's very simple, Lola, you just take two words, you put them together, then you take out the middle letter, you put a comma in there and you raise it up!”

Do You Believe in Gosh?

“(referring to his drink) I got two straws here, in case one breaks down. You know Crazy Straws, they go all over the place? These fuckin' straws are sane. They never lost their minds. They said "We're going straight to the mouth. That fucker who takes a while to get there? He's crazy."”

Mitch All Together (2003)

“(From the enclosed booklet) Jamaican Air -- Every flight is the red-eye!”

Do You Believe in Gosh?

“On a traffic light green means 'go' and yellow means 'yield', but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means 'hold on,' yellow means 'go ahead,' and red means, 'where the hell did you get that banana at?”

Strategic Grill Locations

“Whenever I go to shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving, so I say "I'm gonna go shave, too."”

Strategic Grill Locations

“I walked into Target, but I missed. I think the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around. And, when I finally get in, the guy says "Can I help you?"”

"Just practicing."
Mitch All Together (2003)

“If I worked at a store and a duck came in I would like just give him some bread-- "sure man no problem-- tell your friends"--- but I would not give him Pepperidge Farm bread…. You know that stuff right? you open it and it still ain't open. That is why I do not buy it. Cause I do not need another step, between me and toast."”

Just For Laughs: On The Edge - 2002

“I like vending machines 'cause snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at a store, oftentimes, I will drop it… So that it achieves its maximum flavor potential.”

Strategic Grill Locations

“Remember that show 'My Three Sons'? It'd be funny if it was called 'My One Dad'… wait, what?”

Do You Believe in Gosh?

“I met a girl who works at the Double Tree front desk, she gave me her phone number. It's zero. I tried to call her from here and some other woman answered. I said "You sound older!"”

Mitch All Together (2003)

“My friend said to me "I think the weather's trippy." I said "No, man, it's not the weather that's trippy, perhaps it is the way that we perceive it that is indeed trippy." Then I thought "Man, I should have just said 'Yeah.'"”

Strategic Grill Locations

“I like it when people laugh for no reason… like that lady over there.”

Do You Believe in Gosh?

“I can read minds but, it's pointless cause I'm illiterate. I'd know what you were thinking, if I could read. (laugh) I tried to add on to that joke. I got busted. Thought I could squeeze a couple more laughs out of it but, it was not to be.”

Do You Believe in Gosh?

“Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.”

Do You Believe in Gosh?

“I have a vest. If I had my arms cut off, it would be a jacket.”

Do You Believe in Gosh?

“I like an escalator, because an escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just an, "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience. We apologize for the fact that you can still get up there."”

Mitch All Together (2003)

“I had an apartment and I had a neighbor, and whenever he would knock on my wall, I knew he wanted me to turn my music down, and that made me angry 'cause I like loud music… So when he knocked on the wall, I'd mess with his head. I'd say "Go around! I cannot open the wall! I don't know if you have a door on your side, but over here there's nothin.'”

It's just flat." <br class="br">Comedy Central Presents, S01E06: Mitch Hedberg https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iAHiHJ2AhYE&feature=youtu.be (5 January 1999)

“If I bought a company that made hot dog buns, on Day 1 we would add two buns to every package… Day 2, work on deliciousness.”

Live from Chicago

“My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said "No, but I want a regular banana later, so … yeah."”

Strategic Grill Locations

“Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?”

Do You Believe in Gosh?