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“He is a stranger to me, but he is a most remarkable man — and I am the other one. Between us, we cover all knowledge; he knows all that can be known, and I know the rest.”

Mark Twain

Statement (1906) in Mark Twain in Eruption: Hitherto Unpublished Pages About Men and Events (1940) edited by Bernard DeVoto

Knowledge

“There are people who strictly deprive themselves of each and every eatable, drinkable and smokable which has in any way acquired a shady reputation. They pay this price for health. And health is all they get for it. How strange it is. It is like paying out your whole fortune for a cow that has gone dry.”

Mark Twain

Source: Mark Twain's Autobiography (1924), p. 98

People , Health , Way

“Only laughter can blow [a colossal humbug] to rags and atoms at a blast. Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand.”

Mark Twain book The Mysterious Stranger

The Mysterious Stranger (1916)

Laughter

“We catched fish and talked, and we took a swim now and then to keep off sleepiness. It was kind of solemn, drifting down the big, still river, laying on our backs looking up at the stars, and we didn't ever feel like talking loud, and it warn't often that we laughed, only a little kind of a low chuckle. We had mighty good weather as a general thing, and nothing ever happened to us at all, that night, nor the next, nor the next.”

Mark Twain book Adventures of Huckleberry Finn

Source: Adventures of Huckleberry Finn (1885), Ch. 12

Feeling , Star , Fish , Weather

“During many ages there were witches. The Bible said so. the Bible commanded that they should not be allowed to live. Therefore the Church, after eight hundred years, gathered up its halters, thumb-screws, and firebrands, and set about its holy work in earnest. She worked hard at it night and day during nine centuries and imprisoned, tortured, hanged, and burned whole hordes and armies of witches, and washed the Christian world clean with their foul blood. Then it was discovered that there was no such thing as witches, and never had been. One does not know whether to laugh or to cry. Who discovered that there was no such thing as a witch—the priest, the parson? No, these never discover anything. … There are no witches. The witch text remains; only the practice has changed. Hell fire is gone, but the text remains. Infant damnation is gone, but the text remains. More than two hundred death penalties are gone from the law books, but the texts that authorized them remain.”

Mark Twain

Bible Teaching and Religious Practice http://books.google.com/books?id=sujuHO_fvJgC&pg=PA568&dq=twain+%22Bible+Teaching+and+Religious+Practice%22&cd=1#v=onepage&q=twain%20%22Bible%20Teaching%20and%20Religious%20Practice%22&f=false.
"Bible Teaching and Religious Practice" (1923)

Death , Books , Age , World

“An experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite picturesque liar.”

Mark Twain book The Private History of a Campaign That Failed

"The Private History of a Campaign That Failed", The Century, Vol. 31, No. 2, December 1885 http://books.google.com/books?id=-1UiAQAAIAAJ&pg=PA193. Anthologized in The American Claimant, and Other Stories and Sketches http://books.google.com/books?id=1T00Sc_cVYIC (1898)

“"In God We Trust." It is the choicest compliment that has ever been paid us, and the most gratifying to our feelings. It is simple, direct, gracefully phrased: it always sounds well — In God We Trust. I don't believe it would sound any better if it were true. And in a measure it is true — half the nation trusts in Him. That half has decided it.”

Mark Twain

Source: Mark Twain's Notebook (1935), p. 394.

God , Feeling

“Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run.”

Mark Twain

"The Facts Concerning the Recent Resignation", described by the author as written about 1867, first published in Mark Twain's Sketches, New and Old http://books.google.com/books?id=5LcIAAAAQAAJ‎ (1875)

Education

“A powerful agent is the right word. Whenever we come upon one of those intensely right words in a book or a newspaper the resulting effect is physical as well as spiritual, and electrically prompt.”

Mark Twain

Essay on William Dean Howells (1906)

Books

“The citizen who thinks he sees that the commonwealth's political clothes are worn out, and yet holds his peace and does not agitate for a new suit, is disloyal, he is a traitor. That he may be the only one who thinks he sees this decay, does not excuse him: it is his duty to agitate anyway, and it is the duty of others to vote him down if they do not see the matter as he does.”

Mark Twain book A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court

Source: A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court (1889), Ch. 13.

Peace , Thinking , Clothes

“France has usually been governed by prostitutes.”

Mark Twain

Mark Twain's Notebook (1935)

“Among the three or four million cradles now rocking in the land are some which this nation would preserve for ages as sacred things, if we could know which ones they are.”

Mark Twain

"To the Babies" (14 November 1879)

Age

“There was no getting around the stubborn fact that taking sweetmeats was only "hooking," while taking bacon and hams and such valuables was plain simple stealing — and there was a command against that in the Bible. So they inwardly resolved that so long as they remained in the business, their piracies should not again be sullied with the crime of stealing.”

Mark Twain book The Adventures of Tom Sawyer

Source: The Adventures of Tom Sawyer (1876), Ch. 13

Business

“A baby is an inestimable blessing and bother.”

Mark Twain

Letter to Annie Moffett Webster (1 September 1876)

Baby

“They spell it "Vinci" and pronounce it "Vinchy". Foreigners always spell better than they pronounce.”

Mark Twain book The Innocents Abroad

Source: The Innocents Abroad (1869), Ch. 19.

“… when you recollect something which belonged in an earlier chapter, do not go back, but jam it in where you are. Discursiveness does not hurt an autobiography in the least.”

Mark Twain

advice to his brother Orion, p. 8.
Autobiography of Mark Twain, Volume 1 (2010)

Hurt

“The highest perfection of politeness is only a beautiful edifice, built, from the base to the dome, of ungraceful and gilded forms of charitable and unselfish lying.”

Mark Twain

On the Decay of the Art of Lying, published in The Stolen White Elephant: Etc, Pages 220-221 http://books.google.com/books?id=rTv19WvJto4C&q=%22The+highest%22+%22perfection+of+politeness+is+only+a+beautiful+edifice+built+from+the+base+to+the+dome+of+graceful+and+gilded+forms+of+charitable+and+unselfish+lying%22&pg=PA221#v=onepage (1882)

Beauty , Lying , Perfection

“Pilgrim's Progress, about a man that left his family, it didn't say why. I read considerable in it now and then. The statements was interesting, but tough.”

Mark Twain book Adventures of Huckleberry Finn

Source: Adventures of Huckleberry Finn (1885), Ch. 17

Family , Reading

“Principles have no real force except when one is well-fed.”

Mark Twain

Extracts From Adam's Diary (1906)

“A Jewish beggar is not impossible, perhaps; such a thing may exist, but there are few men that can say they have seen that spectacle.”

Mark Twain book Concerning the Jews

Concerning the Jews (Harper's Magazine, Sept. 1899)

Men