Maria Bamford Quotes

“Time flies when you are anxious!”

“There's a lot of mental illness in my family. So, if you catch schizophrenia, get four boxes of Mike and Ikes, a Bible, and a cage. Wait it out.”

“I do wanna get married. It just sounds great. You get to go grocery shopping together, rent videos, and the kissing and the hugging and the kissing and the hugging under the cozy covers. Mmmm! But sometimes I worry that I don't wanna get married as much as I want to get dipped in a vat of warm, rising bread dough. That might feel pretty good, too.”

“I'm not looking for much [in a guy], I just want, like, a really nice guy who has, you know, like a job… and the missing half of this golden amulet.”

“Over seven thousand US veterans die of suicide every year, which is funny… [false laughter]… because you'd think they'd die over there, but they come home! Right? I thought that must be funny, because nobody was taking it that seriously.”

“[In response to having being referred to as schizophrenic] Well, that is clearly not my mental illness; I am Bipolar-II — which is the new gladiator sandal!
Schizophrenia is, of course, hearing voices— not doing voices.”

“I've never really thought of myself as depressed so much as I am paralyzed by hope.”

“Everything is being televised so you won't be able to tell where the Revolution is. "Who's revolting? Well, I don't know, what's on the other channel?"”

“[when the bank calls:] "Chase Bank, I'm self-employed, how long do you want to stay on the phone?"”

“(singing) Old McDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O!/
And on this farm he has a pterodactyl, E-I-E-I-O!/
With a screeeeeeech! here,/
and a screeeeeeech! there,/
here a screeeeeeech!,/
there a screeeeeeech!…you know the rest.”

“[impersonating her mother] Now, Maria, if a boy doesn't like you, I would just like you to know that he is intimidated by your beauty, because you are the most beautiful girl in the whole world and if you would stop doing impersonations of me I think other people would see that…”

“I wish I'd get mad about something that actually, you know, kinda mattered. Go in Target and be like: "You know what? If you can't help me, then I need to speak to someone who can, because this is a three dollar pair of flip-flops made by a 5-year-old Guatemalan girl, and I'm not leaving until she gets benefits and an education under the NAFTA Fair Trade Agreement. You better go get a manager. This could take awhile."”

“My old lip color could barely keep up with my busy schedule. In the time it takes to notice the wide discrepancy between my salary and that of my male peers, I'd have to reapply! In the seconds to count the number of women in high political office, seated on corporate executive boards and featured in film and television over the age of 40, my lip color would be as invisible as this glass ceiling only inches above my head! L'Oreal. Because I am worth it. And because holding myself to an impossible standard of beauty keeps me from starting a riot!”

“[singing the song her therapist told her to improvise in order to "let her anxieties out"] If I keep the kitchen floor clean, no one will die!”

“S-s-sure I'll join your cult. [nervous smile]”

“Mmmm-hmmm-mmmm-mmm, mmmm-hmmm-mmmmm-mmm, mmmmmm--!”