Lewis Black: Quotes about time

Lewis Black is American stand-up comedian, author, playwright, social critic and actor. Explore interesting quotes on time.

Lewis Black: 116 quotes0 likes

“Here's why I think there's something a little odd with George [Bush]. Because a lot of the times when he speaks, his words don't match his face. Something is askew. You can't talk about the war with a smile on your face. He does it constantly. If you're the President, you should go "We're going to talk about the war, I must have a frowny face." The only time you can smile when you're talking about the war in Iraq is when you go, "Well, two Iraqis walk into a bar, hahaha."”

Red, White, and Screwed (2006)

“People go to Vegas, and they don't know what to do; here's what you do. You go to the casino in your hotel. On your arrival, you get $100 in quarters. Take that $100 back to your hotel room and stare at it for a long, long time. Why? Because you're never going to see them again. Then you take those quarters to the bathroom and you flush them, one by one by one. And the nice thing about that is that every so often the toilet will back up, and you'll feel like a WINNER!”

The White Album (2000)

“If I wanted to be bored by 6,000 pages of unreadable dreck, I'd read War and Peace four times.”

Taxed Beyond Belief (2002)

“Now, most of the time you couldn't be too sure of the quality of the drug. Although, in my experience the stuff was always of a very high quality, because back then we didn't have business majors peddling lower-quality stuff in an effort to increase profits.”

Nothing’s Sacred (2005)

“I was home alone watching George Bush speak on television. So it was just really the two of us. And as I listened to him, I realized, that one of us… was nuts! And for the first time ever, I went "Wow, it's not me!"”

Red, White, and Screwed (2006)

“Some of these people have come up with some very elaborate arguments [for not paying taxes]. For instance, there were these guys, in Indiana and Nebraska, and they argued that Indiana and Nebraska weren't states, which was a pretty valid argument in the late 1700s. But in 1995 and '96, well, I saw a map and at that time, trust me, Indiana and Nebraska are shitholes, but they're states. I saw them! They were right there in the middle someplace. I may not be able to point them out immediately, but I know they're there.”

Taxed Beyond Belief (2002)

“There is no better moment than this moment, when we're anticipating the actual moment itself. All of the moments that lead up to the actual moment are truly the best moments. Those are the moments that are filled with good times. Those are the moments in which you are able to think that it is going to be perfect, when the moment actually happens. But, the moment is reality, and reality always kinda sucks!”

Anticipation (2008)

“Christians… get Christmas under control. Seriously. It won't stop! It doesn't stop, does it? It's always Christmas now! Make it the whole year! It's the only time you pricks are happy!”

Last Laugh ‘06 (2006)

“Or… if you actually waited until you were married to lose your virginity, because you are so much a better person than the sniveling snot that we are, you were able to do that, because you were able to wait through everything, through all those feelings, all those hormones, all of that, you could wait, until that night to make love to (for the first time) to the person that you are gonna make love to for the rest of your life, because you are a gambler on a level that I have never fuckin' imagined! My hat is off to you! Wow! What courage!”

Anticipation (2008)

“There are people who believe that dinosaurs and men lived together, that they roamed the Earth at the same time. There are museums that children go to, in which they build dioramas to show them this. And what this is, purely and simply, is a clinical psychotic reaction. They are crazy. They are stone. Cold. Fuck. Nuts.”

I can't be kind about this, because these people are watching The Flinstones as if it were a documentary.
Red, White, and Screwed (2006)

“Wise men say that time is like a river. I say time is like a river of SHIT… and as you float down that river in your little canoe, your paddles are getting smaller and smaller.”

Last Laugh ‘06 (2006)