Lewis Black: Trending quotes

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Lewis Black: 116 quotes0 likes

“Who knew that the devil had a factory where he made millions of fossils, which his minions distributed throughout the earth, in order to confuse my tiny brain?”

Source: Me of Little Faith

“It’s absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we’ve got rockets, we’ve got saran wrap – FIX IT!!!”

“A republican stands up in congress and says 'I GOT A REALLY BAD IDEA!!' and the democrat stands up after him and says 'AND I CAN MAKE IT SHITTIER!!”

Nothing’s Sacred (2005)
Context: The only thing dumber than a Democrat or a Republican is when those pricks work together. You see, in our two-party system, the Democrats are the party of no ideas and the Republicans are the party of bad ideas. It usually goes something like this. A Republican will stand up in Congress and say, "I've got a really bad idea." And a Democrat will immediately jump to his feet and declare, "And I can make it shittier."

“Americans continue to rapidly homogenize ourselves into a neutered oblivion. For a country founded on the protection of the unique, we relish our sameness.”

Lewis Black book Nothing's Sacred

Source: Nothing's Sacred

“That's the funny thing about religion: it doesn't matter what you say, you're going to upset.”

Source: Me of Little Faith

“Writing is thinking and thinking is hard work.”

“We are all shitty little snowflakes dancing in the universe.”

Source: Me of Little Faith

“If you stop eating donutes you will live 3 years longer. It's just 3 more years that you want a donut. <. )
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“You don't want to go to Miami. Everybody's always delighted with it--no! Listen! The temperature down there is always over ninety and the humidity--and here's the problem--is way over 100%, way. And you know how it's over 100% humidity? When you're walking down the street for five minutes thinking to yourself, "You know, I should have put deodorant on my balls."”

That's over a hundred. Because that's not something you'd think of on your own.
The White Album (2000)

“Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person."”

"No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!"
Taxed Beyond Belief (2002)

“Well first of all, I'd just like to say that 2005 was a great year, if you like swimming through crap.”

Last Laugh ‘05 (2005)

“When they [N'Sync and Aerosmith] played, it wasn't music. It was the sound of chaos. I knew it was the sound of chaos because you could hear pigs being slaughtered. Women were weeping and men were gnashing their teeth, and there were sounds so horrible that I cannot repeat them to you, or you would flee from this room in horror!”

The End of the Universe (2002)

“Here's why I think there's something a little odd with George [Bush]. Because a lot of the times when he speaks, his words don't match his face. Something is askew. You can't talk about the war with a smile on your face. He does it constantly. If you're the President, you should go "We're going to talk about the war, I must have a frowny face." The only time you can smile when you're talking about the war in Iraq is when you go, "Well, two Iraqis walk into a bar, hahaha."”

Red, White, and Screwed (2006)

“In four days, I experienced five seasons. It was thirty, it was sixty, it was ninety, then it was TWELVE! And on the last day, there was thunder, lightning, and snow--together! And I hadn't done drugs.”

The White Album (2000)

“There are no fights in Ireland, people just get so drunk they go, "GODDAMN, YA SONOFABITCH!" and pass out. And there's no Alcoholics Anonymous there, because if there's a meeting, it's always at the bar,”

Rules of Enragement (2003)

“I should have known earlier about President Bush, but I gave him some rope - a lot of rope, and then he hung all of us with it. I should have known it when I heard him say "When it comes to evolution, the jury is still out."”

What jury, where? The Scopes Trial is over.
Red, White, and Screwed (2006)

“If anyone is as angry as I am, it's the good people of Detroit.”

Stark Raving Black (2010)

“People go to Vegas, and they don't know what to do; here's what you do. You go to the casino in your hotel. On your arrival, you get $100 in quarters. Take that $100 back to your hotel room and stare at it for a long, long time. Why? Because you're never going to see them again. Then you take those quarters to the bathroom and you flush them, one by one by one. And the nice thing about that is that every so often the toilet will back up, and you'll feel like a WINNER!”

The White Album (2000)

“If I wanted to be bored by 6,000 pages of unreadable dreck, I'd read War and Peace four times.”

Taxed Beyond Belief (2002)

“This book is dedicated to all of my friends who helped me get to where I am today - you know who you are…. and when I find you I am going to kill you.”

Nothing’s Sacred (2005)