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Josh Billings Quotes
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Josh Billings was the pen name of 19th-century American humorist Henry Wheeler Shaw . He was a famous humor writer and lecturer in the United States, perhaps second only to Mark Twain, during the latter half of the 19th century.

✵ 21. April 1818 – 14. October 1885
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Josh Billings: 91   quotes 3   likes

Josh Billings Quotes

“A man's reputashun iz something like hiz coat, thare iz certain kemikals that will take the stains and grease spots out ov it, but it alwus haz a second-handed kind ov a look, and generally smells strong ov the kemikals.”

Josh Billings

Josh Billings: His Works, Complete (1873)

Strong

“Yung man, don't grind yure scythe all on one side!”

Josh Billings

Josh Billings: His Works, Complete (1873)

“I had rather be a pot-bellied seed cowcumber, flung carelessly on a wood pile to ripen, than tew be an old bachelor.”

Josh Billings

Josh Billings: His Works, Complete (1873)

“Thare iz but phew people in this world underrated.”

Josh Billings

Josh Billings: His Works, Complete (1873)

People , World

“Don't mistake vivacity for wit, thare iz about az mutch difference az thare iz between lightning and a lightning bug.”

Josh Billings

Josh Billings' Old Farmer's Allminax, "January 1871" http://books.google.com/books?id=sUI1AAAAMAAJ&q=%22Don't+mistake+vivacity+for+wit+thare+iz+about+az+mutch+difference+az+thare+iz+between+lightning+and+a+lightning+bug%22&pg=PT30#v=onepage (1870)

“I wouldn't undertake tew korrekt a mans sektarian views enny quicker than i would tell him which road tew take at a 4 corners, when i didn't know miself which waz the right one.”

Josh Billings

Josh Billings: His Works, Complete (1873)

“I kno plenty ov folks who are so kondem kontrary, that if they should fall into the river, they would insist uopon floating up stream.”

Josh Billings

Josh Billings: His Works, Complete (1873)

“I am poor, and I am glad that i am, for i find that wealth makes more people mean than it duz generous.”

Josh Billings

Josh Billings: His Works, Complete (1873)

People , Wealth

“I honestly beleave it iz better tew know nothing than two know what ain't so.”

Josh Billings

" Sollum Thoughts http://books.google.com/books?id=7rA8AAAAYAAJ&q=%22tew+know+nothing%22#v=snippet&q=%22tew%20know%20nothing%22&f=false". in Everybody's Friend: Josh Billing's Encyclopedia & Proverbial Philosophy of Wit & Humor (1874)
Variant:
I honestly believe it is better to know nothing than to know what ain't so.
Variant: I honestly believe it is better to know nothing than to know what ain't so.

“Giv every one you meet, my boy, the time ov day and halff the road, and if that dont make him civil dont waste enny more fragrance on the cuss.”

Josh Billings

Josh Billings: His Works, Complete (1873)

Boy , Time

“Thare iz this mutch kan be sed in favour ov good-breeding, it iz the only thing that kan make a phool endurable.”

Josh Billings

Josh Billings: His Works, Complete (1873)

“Genuine grief iz like penitence, not klamorous but subdued; sorrow from the hous tops and penitence in a market place shows more ambishun than piety.”

Josh Billings

Josh Billings: His Works, Complete (1873)

“About one haff the pitty in this world iz not the result ov sorrow, but satisfackshun that it aint our hoss that haz had hiz leg broke.”

Josh Billings

Josh Billings: His Works, Complete (1873)

World

“There iz only one good substitute for the endearments ov a sister, and that iz the endearments ov sum other pheller's sister.”

Josh Billings

Josh Billings: His Works, Complete (1873)

Sister

“Natur duz awl her big and little jobs without making enny furse; the earth goes around the sun, the moon changes, the eklipses, and the pollywog, silently and taillessly, bekums a frog, but man kant even deliver a small-sized 4th ov July orashun without knocking down a mountain or two, and tareing up three or four primeval forests by the bleeding rutes.”

Josh Billings

Josh Billings: His Works, Complete (1873)

Mountain , Nature , Change , Sun

“A secret ceases to be a secret if it is once confided—it is like a dollar bill, once broken, it is never a dollar again.”

Josh Billings

Affurisms. From Josh Billings: His Sayings (1865)

Secret , Confidence

“Thrice is he armed that hath his quarrel just, But four times he who gets his blow in fust”

Josh Billings

Affurisms. From Josh Billings: His Sayings (1865)

Time

“Mankind loves misterys--a hole in the ground, excites mor wonder than a star in the heavens.”

Josh Billings

Josh Billings: His Works, Complete (1873)

Love , Star

“Pedantry iz the science ov investing what little yu know in one kind ov perfumery, and insisting upon sticking that under every man's knose whom you meet.”

Josh Billings

Josh Billings: His Works, Complete (1873)

Science

“As a gineral thing, when a woman wares the britches, she has a good rite tew them.”

Josh Billings

Josh Billings: His Works, Complete (1873)

“Every man should kno sumthing ov law--if he knows enuff tew keep out ov it, he iz a prety good lawyer.”

Josh Billings

Josh Billings: His Works, Complete (1873)

Law

“Take awl the prophecys that hav cum tew pass, and awl that hav caught on the center, and failed tew cum tew time, and make them up in an average, and yer will find, that buying stock, on the Codfish Bank ov Nufoundland, at 50 per cent, for a rise, iz, in comparison, a good spekulatiff bizziness.”

Josh Billings

Josh Billings: His Works, Complete (1873)

Time , Making love

“Menny people spend their time trieing tew find the hole whare sin got into this world--if two men brake through the ice into a mill pond, they had better hunt for sum good hole tew git out, rather than git into a long argument about the hole they cum tew fall in.”

Josh Billings

Josh Billings: His Works, Complete (1873)

World , Time , People , Men

“Familiarity breeds kontempt.”

Josh Billings

This only applies tew men, not tew hot bukwheat slapkakes, well buttered and sugared.
Josh Billings: His Works, Complete (1873)

“There is no revenge so complete as forgiveness.”

Josh Billings

Source: Josh Billings: His Works, Complete (1873), p. 235 https://books.google.com/books?id=HJUIXmDzqPcC&pg=PA235

Forgiveness , Revenge