George Carlin: Trending quotes

George Carlin trending quotes. Read the latest quotes in collection
George Carlin: 540 quotes98 likes

“The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.”

George Carlin

Variant: The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

“Some people see things that are and ask, Why?
Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not?
Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.”

George Carlin

Cf. Bernard Shaw, Back to Methuselah (1921), Pt. I : In the Beginning: I hear you say "Why?" Always "Why?" You see things; and you say "Why?" But I dream things that never were; and I say "Why not?"
Books, Brain Droppings (1997)
Variant: Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that shit.

“Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.”

George Carlin

“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”

George Carlin

Doin' It Again, Parental Advisory: Explicit Lyrics (1990)
Context: I know that. Some people don't want you to mention certain things. Some people don't want you to say this, some people don't want you to say that. Some people think if you mention some things they might happen. Some people are really fucking stupid. Did you ever notice that, how many stupid people you run into during the day? Goddamn there's a lot of stupid bastards walking around. Carry a pad and pencil with you, you'll wind up with thirty or forty names by the end of the day. Think about this; think about how stupid the average person is, and then realize that half of 'em are stupider than that.

“Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.”

George Carlin

Variant: Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.

“I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.”

George Carlin

“I'm completely in favor of the
separation of Church and State.
… These two institutions screw us up enough
on their own, so both of them together is
certain death.”

George Carlin

“Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty.
I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.”

George Carlin

“I often warn people: "Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no "I" in team.' What you should tell them is, 'Maybe not. But there is an "I" in independence, individuality and integrity.”

George Carlin

“If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.”

George Carlin

Source: Napalm & Silly Putty

“The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, 'You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”

George Carlin

“How is it possible to have a civil war?”

George Carlin

“I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.”

George Carlin When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

Source: When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

“How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelette?”

George Carlin

"Abortion"
Back in Town (1996)
Context: Here's another question I have. How come when it's us, it's an abortion, and when it's a chicken, it's an omelet? Are we so much better than chickens all of a sudden? When did this happen; that we passed chickens in goodness? Name six ways we're better than chickens... See, nobody can do it! You know why? 'Cause chickens are decent people. You don't see chickens hanging around in drug gangs, do you? No. You don't see a chicken strapping some guy to a chair and hooking up his nuts to a car battery, do you? When's the last chicken you heard about came home from work and beat the shit out of his hen, huh? Doesn't happen... 'cause chickens are decent people.

“Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.”

George Carlin