George Carlin: Trending quotes

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George Carlin: 540 quotes98 likes

“[On his work appearing on the Internet] It's a conflicted feeling. I'm really a populist, down in the very center of me. I like the power people can accrue for themselves, and I like the idea of user-generated content and taking power from the corporations. The other half of the conflict, though, is that, traditionally speaking, artists are protected from copyright infringement. Fortunately, I don't have to worry about solving this issue. It's someone else's job.”

Las Vegas CityLife, August 9, 2007 http://www.lvcitylife.com/articles/2007/08/10/ae/stage/iq_15893857.txt <br class="br">Interviews, Print Interviews

“I think we need some new Christmas carols with a more modern approach. Of course, I wouldn’t abandon the religious theme completely. How about “Holy Christ, the Christmas Tree’s on Fire”? Or ”Jesus, Can You Believe It’s Christmas Again?” This ought to get the ball rolling; I’m hoping you people will take it from here.”

Source: Books, When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? (2004)

“An art thief is a man who takes pictures.”

Books, Napalm and Silly Putty (2001)

“I distinguish between maniacs and crazy people; a maniac will beat nine people to death with a steel dildo. A crazy person will beat nine people to death with a steel dildo, but he'll be wearing a Bugs Bunny suit at the time.”

"State Prison Farms"
Back in Town (1996)

“During bombing raids in Iraq, the media liked to say that Saddam Hussein used people as human shields. That's not accurate. Although it's true they were used as shields, the fact is they were humans already. So if these humans were used as shields, they were human shields. They weren't being used as human shields. Got that?”

Books, When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? (2004)

“I decided to look around for something else to worship. Something I could really count on. And immediately, I thought of the sun. Happened like that. Overnight I became a sun-worshiper. Well, not overnight, you can't see the sun at night. But first thing the next morning, I became a sun-worshiper. Several reasons. First of all, I can see the sun, okay? Unlike some other gods I could mention, I can actually see the sun. I'm big on that. If I can see something, I don't know, it kind of helps the credibility along, you know?…”

You Are All Diseased (1999)

“Nobody goes right to work. You might get there on time, but, screw the company, those first twenty minute belong to you, right? It's not an attitude in line with the American Spirit, but there it is: we all screw around first. "I just got here, man, you kiddin' me?"”

Really. You never see a memo that says 9:01.
Occupation: Foole (1973)
Source: Carlin, George, perf. Occupation: Foole. Rec. 02 Mar 1973. Monte Kay, Jack Lewis, 1973. Vinyl recording.

“The Paradox of Our Time is one of many stories that has been forwarded around the internet and attributed to Carlin, but is actually by Bob Moorehead.”

"Don't Blame Me", Georgecarlin.com (official website), 2012-09-09 http://www.georgecarlin.com/home/dontblame.html, <br class="br"> "snopes.com: The Paradox of Our Time", Snopes.com, 2012-09-09 http://www.snopes.com/politics/soapbox/paradox.asp, <br class="br">Misattributed

“Next time you're at a wishing well. Doesn't happen often. Next time you're at a wishing well ask to see the manager! Tell him you've been coming there for 10 years and none of your wishes have come true. Either you gimme my money back—or I'm shittin' in the well!”

What Am I Doing in New Jersey? (1988)

“I do not torture animals, and I do not support the torture of animals, such as that which goes on at rodeos: cowardly men in big hats abusing simple beasts in a fruitless search for manhood. In fact, I regularly pray for serious, life-threatening rodeo injuries. I wish for a cowboy to walk crooked, and with great pain, for the rest of his life.”

Animal Instincts
Books, Brain Droppings (1997)

“I don’t believe in road rage; I prefer the gentle rebuke. If I don’t like the way someone is driving, I pull up alongside the other car and say, “I hope your children turn out poorly.” Only once have I lost my cool. That was the time I said to a woman, “I hope you get a blister on your cunt.’ But I said it with a smile.”

Books, When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? (2004)

“Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Ephraim Zimbalist Jr.”

Books, Brain Droppings (1997)

“Think of the intellect it must take to derive pleasure from this activity: Hitting a ball with a crooked stick…and walking after it! And then…hitting it again! I say pick it up, asshole, you're lucky you found the fuckin' thing! Put it in your pocket and go home, you're a winner! You're a winner! But no, Dorko in the plaid knickers is gonna hit it again, and walk some more.”

"Golf Courses for the Homeless"
Jammin' in New York (1992)

“I am a Bad American is another mass-forwarded internet message often attributed to George Carlin, but was not written by him.”

"Bogus Carlin email", GeorgeCarlin.com (official website, 2012-09-09 http://georgecarlin.com/home/bogus.html, <br class="br">Misattributed

“Hansel and Gretel discovered the ginger bread house about 45 minutes after they discovered the mushrooms.”

Toledo Window Box (1974)

“I, George Carlin, being of sound mind, do not wish, upon my demise, to be buried or cremated. I wish to be BLOWN UP.”

Books, Last Words (2009)

“You know the best thing about necrophilia? You don't have to bring flowers. Yeah, usually they're already there. Isn't that nice? It's nice. It's convenient.”

"Extreme Human Behavior"
Life Is Worth Losing (2005)

“If you take five white guys and put 'em with five black guys, and let 'em hang around together for about a month, and at the end of the month, you'll notice that the white guys are walking and talking and standing like the black guys do. You'll never see the black guys going, "Oh, golly! We won the big game today, yes sir!"”

But you'll see guys with red hair named Duffy going, "What's happenin'?"
Occupation: Foole (1973)

“So about 80 years after the Constitution is ratified, the slaves are freed. Not so you'd really notice it of course; just kinda on paper. And that of course was at the end of the Civil War. Now there is another phrase I dearly love. That is a true oxymoron if I've ever heard one — civil war. D'you think anybody in this country could ever really have a civil war? "Say, pardon me…*machinegun sounds*… I'm awfully sorry! Awfully sorry."
Now of course the Civil War has been over for about 120 years. But… not so you'd really notice it. Because you see we have these people called "Civil War buffs"… in fact some of these people actually get dressed up once a year and then go out and re-fight these battles. D'you know what I say to these people? USE LIVE AMMUNITION ASSHOLES, WOULD YA PLEASE?! You might just raise the intelligence level of the American gene pool!”

What Am I Doing in New Jersey? (1988)

“One of the more pretentious political self-descriptions is "libertarian". People think it puts them above the fray. It sounds fashionable and, to the uninitiated, faintly dangerous. Actually, it's just one more bullshit political philosophy.”

Books, Napalm and Silly Putty (2001)