George Carlin: Trending quotes

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George Carlin: 540 quotes98 likes

“The difference between left and right of center … originated in the French parliament. The people left of center were liberals; the people right of center were conservatives. Broadly speaking. And generally speaking, people on … the right of center, are interested in property values, property, property rights. The rights and the rights of property. And generally speaking again – it's all generalized – the left-of-center people are more concerned with humans and human beings and human concerns; to the care of humans, not the care and worry about property rights. That's generally been true. And Bush is pushing this country farther down the hill, faster than anyone has before.”

George Carlin

Real Time with Bill Maher, September 9, 2005
Interviews, Television Appearances

“If people stand in a circle long enough, they'll eventually begin to dance.”

George Carlin

Books, Napalm and Silly Putty (2001)

“But let’s say it’s true; let’s say God gave us these rights. Why would he give us a certain number of rights? The Bill of Rights of this country has ten stipulations, okay? Ten rights. And apparently God was doing sloppy work that week because we've had to amend the Bill of Rights an additional 17 times. So God forgot a couple of things. Like…SLAVERY! Just fuckin' slipped his mind.”

George Carlin

"You Have No Rights"
It's Bad for Ya (2008)

“One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you're tired.”

George Carlin

"Getting old"
It's Bad for Ya (2008)

“Try explaining Hitler to a kid.”

George Carlin

Books, Brain Droppings (1997)

“I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.”

George Carlin

Books, Napalm and Silly Putty (2001)

“I recently bought a book of free verse. For twelve dollars.”

George Carlin

Books, Napalm and Silly Putty (2001)

“Dear Political Activists,
All your chanting, marching, voting, picketing, boycotting and letter-writing will not change a thing; you will never right the wrongs of this world. The only thing your activity will accomplish is to make some of you feel better. Such activity makes powerless people feel useful, and provides them the illusion that they're making a difference. But it doesn't work. Nothing changes. The powerful keep the power. That's why they're called the powerful.
This is similar to people's belief that love can overcome everything, that it has some special power. It doesn't. Except one on one. One on one, love is incredibly powerful. It is a beautiful thing. But if love had any power to change the world, it would have prevailed by now. Love can't change the world. It's nice. It's pleasant. It's better than hate. But it has no special power over things. It just feels good. Love yourself, find another person to love and feel good.
Love, George”

George Carlin

Books, When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? (2004)

“There is something refreshingly ironic about people lying on the beach contracting skin cancer in an attempt to acquire a purely illusory appearance of good health, while germ-laden medical waste washes up on the sand all around them.”

George Carlin

entitled Surf's Down Forever, p. 207
Books, Brain Droppings (1997)

“"Undisputed heavyweight champion." Well, if it's undisputed, what's all the fighting about?”

George Carlin

Books, Napalm and Silly Putty (2001)

“The seven dwarfs were each on different little trips. Happy was into grass and grass alone … Happy, that's all he did. Sleepy was into reds. Grumpy, too much speed. Sneezy was a full blown coke freak. Doc was a connection. Dopey was into everything. Any old orifice will do for Dopey. He's always got his arm out and his leg up. And then, the one we always forget, because he was Bashful. Bashful didn't use drugs. He was paranoid on his own. Didn't need any help on that ladder.”

George Carlin

Toledo Window Box (1974)
Source: Carlin, George, perf. Toledo Window Box. Rec. 20 Jul 1974. Monte Kay, Jack Lewis, 1974. Vinyl recording.

“Regarding public Christmas displays: At some point, someone who worked at Rockefeller Center must have said, "Boys, I have a great idea for Christmas. Let's kill a beautiful tree that's been alive for seventy-five years and bring it to New York City. We'll stand it up in Rockefeller Plaza and conceal its natural beauty by hanging shiny, repulsive, man-made objects on it, and let it stand there slowly dying for several weeks while simpleminded children stare at it and people from Des Moines take pictures of it. That way, perhaps we can add our own special, obscene imprint to Christmas in Midtown."”

George Carlin

Books, When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? (2004)

“Comedy is filled with surprise, so when I cross a line… I like to find out where the line might be and then cross it deliberately, and then make the audience happy about crossing the line with me.”

George Carlin

The Onion A.V. Club, November 10, 1999 http://www.avclub.com/articles/george-carlin,13629/ <br class="br">Interviews, Print Interviews

“When fascism comes to America, it will not be in brown and black shirts. It will not be with jack-boots. It will be Nike sneakers and Smiley shirts … Germany lost the Second World War. Fascism won it. Believe me, my friend.”

George Carlin

Real Time with Bill Maher, September 9, 2005
Interviews, Television Appearances

“The things that matter in this country have been reduced in choice, there are two political parties, there are a handful insurance companies, there are six or seven information centers…but if you want a bagel there are 23 flavors. Because you have the illusion of choice!”

George Carlin

Bill Maher's program on ABC
Interviews, Television Appearances

“Let me arrive safely back at my hotel room. Don't let me be attacked by a maniac wearing a french tickler and a space helmet. Don't let my beard become entangled in the gears of a transcontinental bus. And don't let me be hit by a flying turd.”

George Carlin

Carlin on Campus (1984)

“I wonder why prostitution is illegal. Why should it be illegal to sell something that's perfectly legal to give away?”

George Carlin

The Tonight Show With Johnny Carson (1989)
Interviews, Television Appearances

“"One thing leads to another"? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.”

George Carlin

Books, Brain Droppings (1997)

“There are battered husbands. Apparently this happens when the woman is real big, the man is very small, and they each drink a quart of whiskey a day.”

George Carlin

Playing With Your Head (1986)

“If it requires a uniform, it's a worthless endeavor.”

George Carlin

Books, Napalm and Silly Putty (2001)