Erma Bombeck: Trending quotes (page 2)

“Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely.”

“Cleanliness is not next to godliness. It isn't even in the same neighborhood. No one has ever gotten a religious experience out of removing burned-on cheese from the grill of the toaster oven.”

“Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.”

“Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy.”

“If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.”

“When humor goes, there goes civilization.”

“Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.”

“A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween.”

“If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it.”

“My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.”

“Written on her tombstone: "I told you I was sick.”

“Humor is a spontaneous, wonderful bit of an outburst that just comes. It's unbridled, its unplanned, it's full of suprises.”

“Just think of all those women on the Titanic who said, 'No thank you' to desert that night. And for what?!”

“As a child, my number one best friend was the librarian in my grade school. I actually believed all those books belonged to her.”

“Have you any idea how many children it takes to turn off one light in the kitchen Three. It takes one to say What light and two more to say I didn't turn it on.”

“In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.”

“Housework is a treadmill from futility to oblivion with stop-offs at tedium and counter productivity.”

“Laugh now, cry later.”

“There's something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she's only measured water in it.”