David Sedaris: Trending quotes (page 3)

“You can't brace yourself for famine if you've never known hunger.”

“I find it ridiculous to assign a gender to an inanimate object incapable of disrobing and making an occasional fool of itself.”

“whenever I read a passage that moves me, I transcribe it in my diary, hoping my fingers might learn what excellence feels like.”

“I won't put in a load of laundry, because the machine is too loud and would drown out other, more significant noises - namely, the shuffling footsteps of the living dead.”

“College is the best thing that can ever happen to you," my father used to say, and he was right, for it was there that I discovered drugs, drinking, and smoking..”

“Their house had real hard-cover books in it, and you often saw them lying open on the sofa, the words still warm from being read.”

“And when Hugh would grow progressively Gandhi on me, I'd remind him that these were pests---disease carriers who feasted upon the dead and then came indoors to dance upon our silverware.”

“but I have no mind for business and considered staying awake to be enough of an accomplishment.”

“I was just struggling with my inner vachette and pondering the depths of my own inhumanity.”

“Say what you will about the south, but in North Carolina a hot dog is free to swing anyway it wishes.”

“At first, writing for The New Yorker was very scary to me. I couldn't imagine anything that I would write in that typeface.”

“In other parts of the country people tried to stay together for the sake of the children. In New York they tried to work things out for the sake of the apartment.”

“In the beginning, I was put off by the harshness of German. Someone would order a piece of cake, and it sounded as if it were an actual order, like, "Cut the cake and lie facedown in that ditch between the cobbler and the little girl."”

“People are often frightened of Parisians, but an American in Paris will find no harsher critic than another American.”

“This was the consequence of seeing too much and understanding the horrible truth: No one is safe. The world is not manageable.”

“There is still the outside world to contend with. A world of backfiring cars, and their human equivalents.”

“I needed to temper (my dad's) enthusiasm a bit (about attending Princeton), and so I announced that I would be majoring in patricide… My mom was actually jealous.”

“Given enough time, I guess anything can look good. All it has to do is survive.”

“What I really hated, of course, was my mind. There must have been an off switch somewhere, but I was damned if I could find it.”