David Sedaris: Trending quotes

“Sometimes the sins you haven't committed are all you have left to hold onto.”

“Everyone looks retarded once you set your mind to it.”

“If I could believe in myself, why not give other improbabilities the benefit of the doubt?”

“Like all of my friends, she's a lousy judge of character.”

“I haven't got the slightest idea how to change people, but still I keep a long list of prospective candidates just in case I should ever figure it out.”

“We were not a hugging people. In terms of emotional comfort it was our belief that no amount of physical contact could match the healing powers of a well made cocktail.”

“As a child I assumed that when I reached adulthood, I would have grown-up thoughts.”

“If you aren't cute, you may as well be clever.”

“Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings”

“If you read someone else's diary, you get what you deserve.”

“All of us take pride and pleasure in the fact that we are unique, but I'm afraid that when all is said and done the police are right: it all comes down to fingerprints.”

“A good [short story] would take me out of myself and then stuff me back in, outsized, now, and uneasy with the fit.”

“I hate you' she said to me one afternoon. 'I really, really hate you.' Call me sensitive, but I couldn't help but take it personally.”

“I'm the most important person in the lives of almost everyone I know and a good number of the people I've never even met.”

“Boys who spent their weekends making banana nut muffins did not, as a rule, excel in the art of hand-to-hand combat.”

“It's just a penis, right? Probably no worse for you than smoking.”

“This left me alone to solve the coffee problem - a sort of catch-22, as in order to think straight I need caffeine, and in order to make that happen I need to think straight.”

“Most people would have found it grotesque, but when you're in love nothing is so abstract or horrible that it can't be thought of as cute.”

“At the end of a miserable day, instead of grieving my virtual nothing, I can always look at my loaded wastepaper basket and tell myself that if I failed, at least I took a few trees down with me.”