David Sedaris: Trending quotes

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David Sedaris: 216 quotes0 likes

“At the end of a miserable day, instead of grieving my virtual nothing, I can always look at my loaded wastepaper basket and tell myself that if I failed, at least I took a few trees down with me.”

David Sedaris book Me Talk Pretty One Day

Source: Me Talk Pretty One Day

“I'd tried to straighten him out, but there's only so much you can do for a person who thinks Auschwitz is a brand of beer.”

David Sedaris

“Speed eliminates all doubt. Am I smart enough? Will people like me? Do I really look all right in this plastic jumpsuit?”

David Sedaris

“High school taught me a valuable lesson about glasses: Don't wear them. Contacts have always seemed like too much work, so instead I just squint, figuring that if something is more than ten feet away, I'll just deal with it when I get there.”

David Sedaris When You Are Engulfed in Flames

Source: When You Are Engulfed in Flames

“I find it ridiculous to assign a gender to an inanimate object incapable of disrobing and making an occasional fool of itself. Why refer to lady crack pipe or good sir dishrag when these things could never live up to all that their sex implied?”

David Sedaris book Me Talk Pretty One Day

Source: Me Talk Pretty One Day

“Writing gives you the illusion of control, and then you realize it's just an illusion, that people are going to bring their own stuff into it.”

David Sedaris

“It's safe to assume that by 2085 guns will be sold in vending machines but you won't be able to smoke anywhere in America.”

David Sedaris When You Are Engulfed in Flames

Source: When You Are Engulfed in Flames

“I love things made out of animals. It's just so funny to think of someone saying, "I need a letter opener. I guess I'll have to kill a deer.”

David Sedaris

Interview with Robert David Sullivan<!-- published/quoted where? -->
Context: "I love things made out of animals," Sedaris says, holding a knife with a hoof for a handle. "It's just so funny to think of someone saying, 'I need a letter opener. I guess I'll have to kill a deer.'"

“The Korean man nodded, the way you do when you’re a foreigner and understand that someone has finished a sentence.”

David Sedaris book Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim

Source: Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim

“It was my friend Frank, a writer in San Francisco, who finally set me straight. When asked about my new look he put down his fork and stared at me for a few moments. "A bow tie announces to the world you can no longer get an erection.”

David Sedaris

“The rabbit of Easter. He bring of the chocolate.”

David Sedaris book Me Talk Pretty One Day

Source: Me Talk Pretty One Day

“Weird doors open. People fall into things.”

David Sedaris

“Being locked up is one thing, but to have no concept of confinement, to be ignorant of its terms and never understand that struggle is useless - that's what hell must be like.”

David Sedaris

“On a busy day twenty-two thousand people come to visit Santa, and I was told that it is an elf's lot to remain merry in the face of torment and adversity. I promised to keep that in mind.”

David Sedaris

“It is funny the things that run through your mind when you're sitting in your underpants in front of a pair of strangers.”

David Sedaris When You Are Engulfed in Flames

Source: When You Are Engulfed in Flames

“What's the trick to remembering that a sandwich is masculine? What qualities does it share with anyone in possession of a penis? I'll tell myself that a sandwich is masculine because if left alone for a week or two, it will eventually grow a beard.”

David Sedaris book Me Talk Pretty One Day

Source: Me Talk Pretty One Day

“Oh, for Christ's sake,' I hear. 'Can we please just try to have a good time?' This is like ordering someone to find you attractive, and it doesn't work. I've tried it.”

David Sedaris When You Are Engulfed in Flames

Source: When You Are Engulfed in Flames