Dave Barry: Doing

“Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don't even have to be true!”

Dave Barry

Thinking

“In the words of a very famous dead person, 'A nation that does not know its history is doomed to do poorly on the Scholastic Aptitude Test.”

Dave Barry

Source: Dave Barry Slept Here: A Sort of History of the United States

History , Personality , Dead

“Sir,” James asked, “what are we going to do?”
“We’re going to look for water,” said Alf.
“And food?” said Tubby Ted.
“Water first,” said Alf. “We can go days without food.”
“We can what?” Tubby Ted shouted.”

Dave Barry book Peter and the Starcatchers

Source: Peter and the Starcatchers

Food , Water

“The transportation bill had over $5 billion worth of special local projects and favors attached to it, lamprey-like, by various congresspersons. But this is good, because these projects will CREATE JOBS. See, when the GOVERNMENT spends money, it creates jobs; whereas when the money is left in the hands of TAXPAYERS, God only knows what they do with it. Bake it into pies, probably. Anything to avoid creating jobs.”

Dave Barry

Column for week of February 29, 1992 http://news.google.com/newspapers?id=HgBOAAAAIBAJ&sjid=5osDAAAAIBAJ&pg=5149,5086013&dq=dave-barry+pie+bake&hl=en
Columns and articles

Money , God

“But I do think we need to explore the commitment problem, which has caused many women to mistakenly conclude that men, as a group, have the emotional maturity of hamsters. This is not the case. A hamster is MUCH more capable of making a lasting commitment to a woman, especially if she gives it those little food pellets. Whereas a guy, in a relationship, will consume the pellets of companionship, and he will run on the exercise wheel of lust; but as soon as he senses that the door of commitment is about to close and trap him in the wire cage of true intimacy, he'll squirm out, scamper across the kitchen floor of uncertainty and hide under the refrigerator of Non-Readiness.”

Dave Barry

Column, August 18, 1991
Columns and articles

Women , Men , Food , Guy

“When I purchase a food item at the supermarket, I can be confident that the label will state how much riboflavin is in it. The United States government requires this, and for a good reason, which is: I have no idea. I don't even know what riboflavin is. I do know I eat a lot of it. For example, I often start the day with a hearty Kellogg's strawberry Pop-Tart, which has, according to the label, a riboflavin rating of 10 percent. I assume this means that 10 percent of the Pop-Tart is riboflavin. Maybe it's the red stuff in the middle. Anyway, I'm hoping riboflavin is a good thing; if it turns out that it's a bad thing, like "riboflavin" is the Latin word for "cockroach pus," then I am definitely in trouble.”

Dave Barry

Dave Barry Hits Below the Beltway (2001)

Food , Hope , Confidence , Idea

“Inside the family room, Arthur Herk was methodically, relentlessly changing channels. He was doing this partly because the instinct to change channels is embedded deep in the male genetic code, and partly because he knew his wife and stepdaughter hated it.”

Dave Barry

Source: Novels, Big Trouble (1999), Chapter 2

Family , Hate , Change

“Sharks are hardy creatures, but they do not thrive on public transportation.”

Dave Barry

Source: Nonfiction, I'll Mature When I'm Dead (2010), p. 83

“Do you remember that little vent that cars used to have on the front windows, so on coolish days you could let a little fresh air in without causing a big draft? WHO THE HELL TOOK THAT LITTLE VENT AWAY?”

Dave Barry

Source: Nonfiction, Dave Barry Turns 50 (1998), p. 88

Hell , Cars

“I'm Really Serious. Do Not Turn the Page. You Will Regret It.”

Dave Barry book Dave Barry's Book of Bad Songs

Source: Nonfiction, Dave Barry's Book of Bad Songs (1997), p. xvii