Charlie Brooker: Trending quotes

Charlie Brooker trending quotes. Read the latest quotes in collection
Charlie Brooker: 116 quotes2 likes

“But once I had a Jabscreen of my own, I soon discovered the novelty lasts six months, tops. There's a limit to how many conversations you can have about it before you reach burnout. Have you seen the app which takes your photo and makes it look like you're really fat? Yes. And the game where you land all the planes on the runway? Yes, that too. Hey, how about this thing with the funny red monster that repeats everything you say? Please leave me. Please just leave me here to die.”

Charlie Brooker

Guardian columns

“In some quarters the films and books are lauded for their wholesome message, which is weird considering Bella is essentially deciding whether she'd rather shag a bat or a wolf. She's got zero interest in honest-to-goodness human-on-human action. No. It's magic farmyard creatures or nothing for her.”

Charlie Brooker

Guardian columns

“In many ways, Big Brother is the present day equivalent of a 1980s Club 18-30 Holiday - flirting, sunbathing, silly little organised games, and lots of people you'd like to remove from the genepool with a cricket bat.”

Charlie Brooker

The Guardian, 10 June 2006 http://www.guardian.co.uk/theguide/columnists/story/0,,1793019,00.html <br class="br">Guardian columns, Big Brother

“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, which is a pity because this week the National Association of Beholders wrote to tell me that I've got a face like a rucksack full of dented bells.”

Charlie Brooker

Screenwipe S4E1
Screenwipe

“Modern 3D cinema technology works by ensuring your left eye sees one image while your right sees another. But they could, presumably, issue one pair of specs comprising two left-eye lenses (for children to wear), and another with two right-eye lenses (for adults). This would make it possible for parents to take their offspring to the cinema and watch two entirely different films at the same time. So while the kiddywinks are being placated by an animated CGI doodle about rabbits entering the Winter Olympics or something, their parents will be bearing witness to some apocalyptically degrading pornography. The tricky thing would be making the soundtracks match. Those cartoon rabbits would have to spend a lot of time slapping their bellies and moaning.”

Charlie Brooker

The Guardian 15 February 2010. http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2010/feb/15/charlie-brooker-ebook-convert <br class="br">Guardian columns

“It's a rum state of affairs when you feel like punching a jar of mayonnaise in the face.”

Charlie Brooker

Guardian columns

“The BB house works as a kind of twat amplifier, you see. Once harnessed within, someone who in normal life would merely strike me as a bit of a git quickly swells in negative stature, eventually coming to symbolise everything I hate about our cruel and godless universe.”

Charlie Brooker

The Guardian, 3 June 2006 http://www.guardian.co.uk/theguide/columnists/story/0,,1788457,00.html <br class="br">Guardian columns, Big Brother

“Now, as an embittered cynic, I should be almost programmed to vomit all over the screen at the mere sight of this, but instead, I find it strangely moving. You see, as I stare into their happy smiling faces filled with naive joie de vivre, I know they're just blissfully unaware of the crushing despair that awaits them as they venture further into adulthood. The myriad disappointments, the yawning chasms of pain, the slow gnawing descent into physical decay, the sheer unrelenting horror of it all.”

Charlie Brooker

Screenwipe S4E4
Discussing the High School Musical series
Screenwipe

“If you're hell-bent on making your bank look and sound like a simpleton, a desk labelled Travel Money is still a bit too formal. Why not call it Oooh! Look at the Funny Foreign Banknotes instead? And accompany it with a doodle of a French onion-seller riding a bike, with a little black beret on his head and a baguette up his arse and a speech bubble saying, "Zut Alors! Here is where you gettez les Francs!"”

Charlie Brooker

The Guardian, 6 November 2006, The banks are coming over all chummy. It&#x27;s nauseating http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/story/0,,1940584,00.html <br class="br">On Barclays&#x27; rebranding in an attempt to make themselves appear less stuffy <br class="br">Guardian columns

“The only other thing I've noticed is some kind of acute muscular spasm in my neck and left shoulder, and that's hardly entertaining, except maybe for the bit where the doctor rather brilliantly prescribed me diazepam so I necked some and walked very slowly around the Westfield shopping centre listening to Henry Mancini's Pink Panther theme on repeat on an MP3 player, smiling eerily at shoppers.”

Charlie Brooker

The Guardian 9 February 2009. http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2009/feb/09/twitter <br class="br">Guardian columns

“Well, babies are notoriously foul-mouthed. [shot of Charlie pointing at a doll] This one just called Derek a prick!”

Charlie Brooker

Screenwipe S2E2
On Derek Ogilvy, the "Baby Mind Reader", apparently reading a baby's mind and finding it is swearing
Screenwipe

“I won't get over that in a hurry: my least favourite atrophied Hazel McWitch lookalike in the world, singing "I just want to make love to you", right there on primetime telly. She has to be the only person on Earth who can take a lyric like that and make it seem like a blood-curdling threat without changing any of the words.”

Charlie Brooker

On Gillian McKeith singing
[Screen Burn, http://www.guardian.co.uk/theguide/columnists/story/0,,1788457,00.html, The Guardian, 3 June 2006, 2007-08-19]
Guardian columns, Screen Burn

“The second Transformers movie came out this year. I didn't fight for a ticket. I'd caught the first one by accident. It was like being pinned to the ground while an angry dishwasher shat in your face for two hours. Any human dumb enough to voluntarily sit through a second helping of that unremitting fecal spew really ought to just get up and leave the planet via the nearest window before their continued presence does lasting damage to the gene pool.”

Charlie Brooker

The Guardian, 3 August, 2009 http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2009/aug/03/hollywood-ideas-charlie-brooker <br class="br">Guardian columns

“Early on, presenter Mark Evans observes that a snake is essentially just "one massive tube with a head at the end", which, coincidentally, is also how he might describe his genitals to an audience of blind women in a hypothetical situation I've just invented in which hen nights for the visually impaired are held in special strip clubs where naked men describe their bodies in time to disco music. For what it's worth, I don't know what I'm going on about, either”

Charlie Brooker

Discussing Inside Nature&#x27;s Giants 12 jUNE 2010 http://www.guardian.co.uk/tv-and-radio/2010/jun/12/charlie-brooker-screen-burn <br class="br">Guardian columns, Screen Burn

“Even if the Jabscreen 4 was reportedly biting users' ears off and spitting them into a ditch, every Jabscreen 3 user is going to wind up buying one anyway.”

Charlie Brooker

The Guardian 5 July 2010. http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2010/jul/05/iphone-4-apple-new <br class="br">Guardian columns

“Balls to aspiration, it's a tosser's mirage.”

Charlie Brooker

Screenwipe S2E1
Discussing "aspirational" programming and its ill effects
Screenwipe

“I'll stop calling it the iPhone right now. Instead, for the remainder of this article, it'll be known as the Jabscreen. A better name in any case.”

Charlie Brooker

Guardian columns

“God has far better things to do than creating self-important little species such as ours. He's got wars, deaths, disasters and diseases to ignore for starters. And a fair bit of not-exist-ing-at-all to be getting on with.”

Charlie Brooker

The Guardian, 4 December 2006, When it comes to psychics, my stance is hardcore: they must die alone in windowless cells http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/story/0,,1963337,00.html <br class="br">Guardian columns

“…I haven't seen so many dirty snouts, and slimy arseholes crammed into such a small space since I last looked inside a sausage.”

Charlie Brooker

S2E6
Newswipe

“Actually, I think this might be an Al-Qaeda recruitment film.”

Charlie Brooker

Screenwipe