Bill Engvall: Doing

“I love Slim-Jims so much, I once called their hotline. I swear to God. I told them, "I got your next billion-dollar idea." And the lady on the other end goes, "Oh, do tell." I said, "Alright. Men love beer and Slim-Jims. So, what you need to do, is drill a hole in the middle of that Slim-Jim… so we can suck beer through it and take a bite of Slim Jim! [Audience cheers] Yeah. GENIUS!… She hung up on me.”

“[about magazines school children sell, which his wife buys without even looking at what she's buying]
We get a magazine called Modern Ferret. It's a magazine about that hairy rat, I swear to God! And if you ever see it, pick it up. On the inside cover, it's a woman and a man, who publish this magazine, and they wrote this inscription: "Someday, we hope to make money doing what we love, playing with our ferret." Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't Pee-Wee Herman lose a lot of money playing with his ferret?”

“Watching NASCAR with my wife is like taking a test. Every single turn, she has a question. Now, here's the problem. Sometimes her questions actually make sense. I don't have an answer for them. So, I have to that guy thing and go Pfft! You ever hear your man do that, ladies? That means he doesn't know the answer, but he's thinking.”

“After Bill is exhausted at a baseball fantasy camp, walking crooked.
Woman: Do your legs hurt?
Bill: Nope, just crapped my pants. Here's your sign.”

“Welcome to my garage! This is where I go to get away from the honey-do list.”

“Engvall and his wife have, for three days, had a cement truck in their yard to re-do their porch.
Neighbor: You pouring concrete?
Bill: No, we're making big margaritas. Here's your sign.”

“I might've tried bungee jumping, until I saw that video of that guy whose cord came untied. He didn't know it 'till he hit the ground. Oh, he flew off that tower, hollerin' at his buddies, "Whoo! Whoa, check me out, dudes! Whoo, that ground is coming up…"—BAM! And what do you say, if you're the operator of that ride, to the next guy in line? "All right, dude– you're up."”

“A friend bought two cakes for his wife's birthday, with a "3" on one and an "8" on the other.
Store clerk: Oh, do you have twins?
Bill's friend: Yup, my wife was in labor for five years.”

“[about how he and his wife can't go out on a date, since they're married]
(A) I'm not going to get to pick the restaurant. Because I'm going to go "where do you want to eat?", and she's going to go "I don't care." So I'll say, "okay, how about Italian?" "Hmmmm…." I'm not going to get to pick the movie, and there's a real good chance I'm not going to get lucky! That's not a date!”

“Engvall pulls his car into a gas station after his tire goes flat.
Attendant: Tire go flat?
Engvall: Nope, I was drivin' along and the other three just swelled right up!
Attendant: Well, the heat'll do that.
Engvall: Here's your sign.”

“[during a bit about dogs]
That's why they're man's best friend, 'cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got men.”