Quotes from book

The Devil's Dictionary

“Cat, n. A soft, indestructible automaton provided by nature to be kicked when things go wrong in the domestic circle.”

“Clock, n.: A machine of great moral value to man, allaying his concern for the future by reminding him what a lot of time remains to him.”

“Callous, adj. Gifted with great fortitude to bear the evils afflicting another.”

“Erudition, n. Dust shaken out of a book into an empty skull.”

“Barometer, n. An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having.”

“Virtues, n. pl. Certain abstentions.”

“Friendless, adj. Having no favors to bestow. Destitute of fortune. Addicted to utterance of truth and common sense”

“Kilt, n. A costume sometimes worn by Scotchmen in America and Americans in Scotland.”

“Road, n. A strip of land along which one may pass from where it is too tiresome to be to where it is futile to go.”

“Pig, n. An animal (Porcus omnivorus) closely allied to the human race by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is inferior in scope, for it sticks at pig.”

“Zeus, n. The chief of Grecian gods, adored by the Romans as Jupiter and by the modern Americans as God, Gold, Mob and Dog. Some explorers who have touched upon the shores of America, and one who professes to have penetrated a considerable distance to the interior, have thought that these four names stand for as many distinct deities, but in his monumental work on Surviving Faiths, Frumpp insists that the natives are monotheists, each having no other god than himself, whom he worships under many sacred names.”

“White, adj. and n. Black.”

“Hers, pron. His.”

“Accord, n. Harmony.”

“Once, adj. Enough.”

“Christian, n. One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. One who follows the teachings of Christ so long as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin.”

“Forgetfulness, A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their destitution of conscience.”

“Acquaintance, n. A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to. A degree of friendship called slight when its object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich or famous”