“Calvin's Dad: I don't think I'd have been in such a hurry to reach adulthood if I'd known the whole thing was going to be ad-libbed.”

“Calvin: Somewhere in Communist Russia, I'll bet there's a little boy who has never known anything but censorship and oppression. But maybe he's heard of America, and he dreams of living in this land of freedom and opportunity! Someday, I'd like to meet that little boy…and tell him the awful TRUTH ABOUT THIS PLACE!!
Calvin's Dad: Calvin, be quiet and eat the stupid Lima beans.”

“But you know, my mom having to go to the hospital seven times… like passed out because of pain… I wouldn't come home and sit with my family and be with my dad - I'd call someone up and… I'd go and get obliterated drunk and I'd go, like, on two-week benders.”

“Calvin: I'd hate to think that all my current experiences will someday become stories with no point.
p39”

“If I had known I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself!”

“I'd rather be a 'could-be' if I cannot be an 'are' because a 'could-be' is a 'maybe' who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a 'has-been' than a 'might-have-been' by far; for a 'might-have-been' has never been, but a 'has' was once an 'are.”

“Dad: Honey, have you seen my glasses? I can"t find them.
Mom: I haven't seen them.
Calvin: (with glasses, to Dad) Calvin, go do something you hate! Being miserable builds character!”

“I'd been in hairier situations than this one. Actually, it's sort of depressing, thinking how many times I'd been in them. But if experience had taught me anything, it was this: No matter how screwed up things are, they can get a whole lot worse.”

“Mom and Dad were great, but being asked where I was going every time I left the house - or where I'd been every time I returned - got old quickly.”

“Calvin: Dad where do babies come from?
Dad: Well Calvin, you simply go to Sears, buy the kit and follow the assembly instructions.
Calvin: I came from Sears?
Dad: No you were a blue-light special at K-Mart - almost as good and a lot cheaper!”