“You can't beat a roulette table unless you steal money from it.”

“There's worse that people can steal from you than money.”

“My advice is to get a good agent and a good tax accountant if you ever make any money, and remember, you can't eat fame. And you can't write unless you want to write, and you can't want to unless you feel like it.”

“I can't beat you, I can't join you.”

“Wittgenstein's ruler: "Unless you have confidence in the ruler's reliability, if you use a ruler to measure a table you may also be using the table to measure the ruler."”

“If you can't beat them. Join them”

“If you can't beat me, join me”

“And you can't part a boy from his father,
You can't part a boy from his dad,
You can't part a Scotchman from money
No matter how many he's had.
You can't part the skin of a sausage
Or a dad from his fond son and heir,
And you can't part the hair on a bald-headed man
For there'll be no parting there.”

“Dinner's in one hour. If you're not back, sitting at the table, I'll beat you all unconscious with a spatula.”

“The advantage of beating a mute is he can't tell on you.”