“I'm English, and as such I crave disappointment. That's why I buy Kinder Surprise. Horrible chocolate; nasty little toy: a double-whammy of disillusionment! Sometimes I eat the toy out of sheer despair. I call them the Eggs Of Numbing Inevitability. And when I buy them, I always ask for them in the third person: "Bill Bailey would like the Eggs Of Numbing Inevitability." I did that the other day and it answered me back, and he said to me: "No, I am Bill Bailey. You are not Bill Bailey, you are just a mere doppelgänger. I am the true Bill Bailey, in another dimension." And I went, "Oh, I hadn't planned on that." Then I thought the only way to solve this, I have to run at my doppelgänger, then we will be fused forever. So I ran full-tilt at it, and just before I got there I realised it was the highly polished side of the cheese counter.
Ch. 12, 21:57”

“In the store, Bill is buying some pants.
Clerk: You gonna buy these?
Engvall: Nope, gonna steal 'em. Just wanted you to see them before I walked out of the store. Here's your sign.”

“People always ask me, "Did you see Larry's latest movie?" I always say, "No, but I flushed a ten dollar bill down the toilet, so I feel like I've seen it."”

“But I make a profit of three and a quarter cents an egg by selling them for four and a quarter cents an egg to the people in Malta I buy them from for seven cents an egg. Of course, I don't make the profit. The syndicate makes the profit. And everybody has a share.”

“Sweetheart," Bill said formally, "I have always loved you, and I will be proud to die in your service. When I'm gone, say a prayer for me in a real church.”

“I'm surprised that I won the race to the egg. I'm not a good swimmer. If I was back in there now I'd go forget it, let them lot go first.”

“I love you,” Bill said helplessly, as if he wished those magic words would heal me. But he knew they wouldn’t.

“That’s what you all keep saying,” I answered. “But it doesn’t seem to get me any happier.”

“I do not like green eggs and ham.
I do not like them, Sam-I-Am.”

“Sometimes, I think Bill forgets that I am sixteen. But I am very happy that he does.”

“Now you listen to me, you little party-favor, I'm sick of your rotten little attitude! I let YOU beat me up and call me names because I consider you a friend, but I'm sure that if I wanted to, I could throw you around like a chew toy!”